Have you ever had one of those dreams where everything you know is wrong? You look at the face of your best friend, but they aren't your best friend. They're some soldier in a war, or a doctor about to give you an injection. Or the room you walk into is supposed to be your room but it's actually your school hall. And the things that make sense to you in that moment have no logical connection when you think about it in an awakened state. Like the dream I once had about proving someone innocent simply by grating a slice of cheese. Not something that happens in real life, but something that in that second was the truth.
This is what that feels like. This moment where I've taken hold of my own mobile phone to stare at these words on the screen. Words that belong there, that have always belonged there. But somehow, in this real life moment, they make no sense. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why.
I love you.
These are words that I've heard her say so many times in the past. Read them through texts, or email, or Skype, or left through invisible messages on the bathroom mirror. They are an integrated part of what makes us Danny and Clara. Without these words, you may as well throw the relationship to the wind and hope it made it home safely.
I love you.
I can feel the muscles of my brow furrowing with intense confusion. The tears that once blurred my vision retreat back to where they came from. My breathing slows down to a normal pace, desperately giving my brain all the energy it can to find the flaw in this text. The missing piece that will make that niggling in the back of my head shut up.
I love you.
Something about this is wrong. Something about this is terrifyingly wrong. But I just can't see it. It's right there in front of my eyes, on the tip of my tongue, just out of fucking reach. But still, I can't quite get it.
“Dan?”
The look on Mark's face as I look up at him is different to what I originally saw seconds ago. Instead of the smile on his face rests an uneasy half-frown. It's almost as if he's annoyed at me for not reacting appropriately to this declaration of love from Clara. But he doesn't get it. He doesn't know her like I know her. He just sees the words and optimistically believes that everything is right in the world again. The positiveness in him about my relationship is something that I've always valued.
Until now that is.
“Something's wrong,” I croak out, throat dry from the onslaught of emotions I've been victim to in the last few hours.
“What are you on about?”
“Something's wrong.”
“You're being ridiculous...”
“Something is wrong.”
We stare at each other for a few seconds in silence. People underestimate the power of silence, I think. It's not only something that means that sound is no longer being produced between the two people involved. That, obviously, is the baseline of the matter. But it really isn't the only thing that should be noted with silence.
In silence, you can fully understand the thinking of someone else. You can read the expressions on their faces without the swaying of their voice. The voice is a very powerful thing and can make you miss vital things that people try and hide. Tones, volume, speed, emotion...these things are what you pick up on first. Not the tiny twitch of the brow or the slight clench of the jaw.
That's what I notice now. Looking at the face of my best friend, I see both of those things. But not only that. I see the disbelief in his eye. No. Not disbelief. Disgust. He's disgusted in me. But surely, he can read my face too. Surely he can see the genuine fear that's ripping through me...
