Dark heart

Chapter 18

It was getting late and we all went upstairs to our rooms. I brushed my teeth and slipped into my pajamas before cuddling myself under the blanket, yawning. " Jarvis please wake me up for breakfast tomorrow morning", I asked the AI. „Of course Miss Stark", sounded the mechanical voice and, at my request, switched off the light. I stared into the darkness and my thoughts wandered to Loki. I still couldn't explain to myself what suddenly got into him but it had to have something to do with the training. But I had only accessed his perception and had not been stabbed in anything intimate. So what was his problem? Sighing, I turned to my side. I could still worry about Loki tomorrow. I closed my eyes and it didn't take long before I slipped into a dreamless sleep.

In the middle of the night I woke up with a dry throat. As quietly as I could, I plodded down the wooden steps into the kitchen to get myself a glass of water. " Shouldn't you be in bed?," a soft voice rang out and I almost dropped the glass I had just fetched from the cupboard with a sharp cry. In the darkness, Loki sat at the window and looked at me intently. " God Loki you almost scared me to death. What are you doing here in the dark?," I asked, trying to calm my wildly beating heart again. " I can't sleep,' he replied, not taking his eyes off me for a second while I poured myself a glass of water. I drank it down in great gulps, eyeing him as I did so. His pale skin seemed to literally glow in the moonlight, making his green eyes stand out. But beneath them lay deep shadows, as if he had barely gotten any sleep in days.

It was only now that I noticed how wiped out the dark-haired god looked and I put the empty glass back down before running to him. I let myself sink across from him on the wide window sill, which Tony had made into a cozy sitting area with a few pillows. " What's wrong Loki?" I asked him gently and only now he turned his gaze away from me and pointed him to the ground. However, he remained silent and I was hooking up: "Loki? Hey, it's okay you can talk to me. " I put my hand on his arm and the feathery touch of his cool skin sent a pleasant tingling through my fingertips. He looked to the place where my hand was on his arm and then back into my eyes. There was something painful in his gaze that made my stomach tense. " In training with you, Rogers and Clint, I realized something. You said we should imagine a room where we feel safe and secure and then I realized I've never had anything like that," he explained and I heard his voice crack a little bit.

"I have no home, no place to belong," he added barely audible and as he looked at me tears came to his eyes. I pulled him close to me and wrapped my arms around him. " That's not true. You belong here, with us," I whispered but he shook his head slightly. " Then why is everyone looking at me like they don't want me here?" he wanted to know, and I sighed sadly. " I want you here," was all I said and he pulled away from me and looked at me in amazement. " Really?," he asked a little uncertainly and I nodded with a smile. " But Loki you need to stop pushing people away from you when you're not feeling well, okay?," I explained, and he nodded hesitantly. " I'll try. It's just, except for my mother, there was never anyone who actually cared for me. And she's dead now," he told me and my heart broke for him. Infront me sat not the prince who craved power. It was just a boy who missed his mom.

"I never wanted to be a monster Alex," he said softly, starting to shake. " I never wanted any of this," he repeated, his breathing becoming more stale and agitated. " Hey, everything's okay look at me," I calmly prompted him as I realized he was on the verge of a panic attack. " I can't breathe," he said, looking at me in panic. " I know you're having a panic attack. It'll pass. Just look at me and try to match my breathing," I continued, breathing in and out deeply and evenly for him to follow. His long fingers clasped my hand and I gently stroked the back of his hand with my thumb. " That's it," I praised him as his breathing slowly returned to normal. " Okay now we play a little game. You name a word for every letter of the alphabet until you calmed down," I explained the grounding method which always works best for me.

He looked at me questioningly, but for every letter he started to name an object, a person, an animal, or something else. When he reached L, he had calmed down somewhat and stopped his enumeration. " Better?" I wanted to know and he nodded. " Thank you", he added, and I just smiled sadly. I had to think of the time right after Hydra, when panic attacks were part of the daily routine. " How did you know this would work?" he wanted to know, and I leaned on the cold window pane, sighing. "After Tony freed me from Hydra, I was quite a wreck. And then when one of their attempts to get me back my fiancé was murdered, I developed a panic disorder", I explained and his eyes widened. He didn't know about Liam. Except for Steve and, of course, Tony, nobody here knew I was engaged or that he was murdered by Hydra.

"Fiancé?," Loki now also hooked and I nodded. " His name was Liam. He was one of the Hydra agents who trained me but when he realized what was really behind Hydra it left. One day we were out on a walk and suddenly we were attacked. They tried to get me back, but I escaped. But Liam was killed in the process," I told him, feeling tears stinging my eyes. " I'm so sorry about that," Loki whispered, pulling me close to him. " Now I understand why you ran away when Wanda asked you the night of the party. Nobody knows, do they?," he wanted to know, continuing to hold me close. " Steve knows, he was with me the night of the party but otherwise just Tony. And now you," I whispered and he fell silent. It wasn't an awkward silence we just held onto each other because we needed to. Both of us.