Mr Bodyguard

|04|

- Dior - 

And just like that, he was gone. 

I let out a sigh, whether it was of sadness or relief, I'm not sure. 

I could still smell him. 

His masculine scent lingering in the air. 

Strong cologne and mint. 

What did I do wrong? Am I really that unpleasant to talk to? Am I really that annoying? Do I talk too much? Did I bore him too much? Was it something I said? Something I did? 

Why did he leave so abruptly? 

We were meant to get to know each other, get comfortable, as dad put it, but he just left me. It was probably my fault, I did practically talk his ears off, and he clearly wasn't in the mood to speak. I also cried in front of him twice, he must think I'm an emotional child. 

I was trying so hard, just like papa told me. I really wanted him to like me, even just a little bit. I was being nice, I hope, and was making conversation! I know it doesn't seem like much but for me it's a huge step. I haven't spoken to anyone except my father and brother in so long, and talking to people is extremely hard for me, so it was a big accomplishment. 

But I guess it wasn't enough.

The first time I cried was because my dad and my brothers were leaving me alone in a room with a man I don't know. They know I don't have a good past with men, and they still left me with him. My disorder didn't help my case at all. It results in me having terrible separation anxiety. I can't handle being alone, it scares me. 

Loneliness scares me. 

It also means I can't rely on myself. I can't support myself. 

Physically, I can do most things, but mentally, I'm extremely challenged. 

I find simple things like ordering a pizza, or opening the door for guests terrifying. I can't escape my own mind, the constant thought that everyone is judging me, the constant thought that everyone is trying to harm me, the constant thought that I'm not good enough, and that I'm an irritating, emotional baby, like a bee that's always around you, buzzing and refusing to fly away. 

I drown in my own thought, it suffocates me. 

I feel guilty. 

My brothers and my dad have to help me all the time. 

Whenever I have nightmares, when I need to go to the doctors, with my medication. 

Everything

And it makes me feel guilty because they're wasting their time on me when they could be doing other things, better things. Things that would make them happy. I'm a burden to them. 

One time, Daxton was supposed to going on a date with this girl he really liked. He would talk to me about her a lot. Her name was Hazel. She worked in a restaurant my father owns, and one day, when Daxton stopped by, he noticed her and they started talking from then. 

He asked her out on a date and I was so happy for him. 

He was over the moon. 

Flashback:

"Omg Dax!! I'm so happy for you," I cheered when he told me the news. He smiled. 

"I know, I'm so lucky. I hope it goes well," he spoke as if he was trying to contain his happiness. 

"When is it?" I asked. 

"Tomorrow night. I'm going to take her to the restaurant we met at, and then to see the christmas lights," he stated and I squealed excitedly.