Sad club

Part 4

I lay as though I were dead, I crossed my arms over my chest and lay flat on my back, staring at the ceiling – waiting to make the dash across the hall to Olive's. I used to do this in my own bedroom: lay flat, stare at the ceiling, pretend to be dead. It was one of those not so conventional coping mechanisms I had, it made me feel like the world was slowing down for a moment, that there was quiet in my own head – even if I only felt that when I was attempting to replicate death (that is likely where the thoughts stemmed from – but we will move on from that).

It had been about 10 minutes, this was only by my judge of the amount of thoughts I'd had. As it reached my guessed 10 minutes I realized something else that was quite important – there wasn't any clocks. We were told when meal times were by staff and told that sessions/therapies started and finished on the hour – but never once had I seen that on a clock. I wasn't sure if it was something I should spend much time thinking about, but I decided it could wait until I was in Olive's room. I felt as though I was doing everything at 10x speed, I was up and at my door moments after I had consciously thought I should move now. I was across the hall and in her room before I finished my breath.

She looked at me in a way I didn't recognize. Her eyes were bloodshot and trimmed with eyelashes clumped from the tears, they were full of the fear she displayed earlier, but as I traveled down her face I saw a shift to pure joy. A smile sat above her chin that was striking as it was wide, it omitted such an immense relief at my joining her – the feeling sunk into me and dragged me towards her, the desire to care for her growing beyond my comprehension.

The beds were singles, I hadn't done the whole sleepover thing for a while (since I was no longer cool outside the ward) and I didn't know if 'top-to-toe' was still the appropriate sleeping arrangement. My confusion must've been visible, for Olive gently motioned to the other half of the pillow and attempted to suppress her laugh as I awkwardly maneuvered myself into the space. I remember how quickly Olive fell asleep, her hair all in my face, I imagine she was exhausted from all the worry she'd felt that day – I dared not move her hair incase I woke her and prevented the rest she clearly needed. I drifted off slowly, my mind full of the days confusions and revelations – still naive of any realities to our findings.

I dreamt of floating clocks, different doors leading to the same room over and over and Jordan chasing me with a needle the length of his arm – I sat up as soon as I woke. I was still in Olive's room, it was just getting light and she seemed to be fine. I lay back down, wondering abut my dream and putting its weirdness down to the stress. I must've fallen back to sleep as the next thing I knew Olive was stood at my side, explaining to a nurse that during the night I'd had some negative thoughts and as a result had decided to stay with Olive to ensure I didn't try and hurt myself. The nurse didn't seem to care, Olive was more worked up than her, and moved on as soon as Olive finished talking.

I ran back over to my room and dressed, before returning to Olive's and walking with her to collect our breakfast. Having not seen Lauren in her room we assumed she was already at breakfast and proceeded without giving it a moments thought – it was once we got to the table and still hadn't seen Lauren I felt that awful panic deep in my stomach.

I thought for a moment that Lauren may be in the toilet, so waited a couple minutes before allowing myself to enter 'panic mode'. After yesterdays revelations there was a whirlwind of possibilities that could've happened to her flying around my head, each more gruesome than the next, yet somehow all nameless as a result of my inability to catch hold of a single thought in that moment. I approached a nurse standing a few tables away and asked where she was, "she was discharged this morning, she was picked up in the early hours" he said smiling. It was the first overt emotion I'd seen one of them display. I knew I was wobbly, my knees had lost their strength, and I tried my best to reach the table before I couldn't hold myself straight anymore. Jordan was at my side to make the last few steps and remained beside me as I sat down to digest my thoughts. I began spluttering, desperately trying to get the words out and explain my belief of the danger she might be in; " I know. I know," murmured Jordan whilst he stroked my hair, "but right now I want you to think she has been taken home – she's away from all this.". I looked at him with tearful eyes, I wanted to believe, so so bad, that what he was saying was true. But that tremor in his voice was back and he diverted his eyes as I looked at him, he buried himself in my hair as he continued to comfort me. moments later I felt the side of my head get a little damper and a tear make its way down the side of my face to drop on my shoulder – he was terrified too.