A Silence Full of Sound [hiatus]

5.1 - Donna: The Recovery (Or Lack Thereof)

At the end of the day, Donna could feel the tension in her shoulders finally beginning to subside. After the run-in with the intern, she noticed Josh had been edgy and jumpy for the rest of the day, despite Leo coming in and diffusing the situation. He'd been like this for months, though. Ever since he was released from the hospital, she could tell a fuse was burning, getting shorter and shorter until the explosion hit.

The big one resulted in Stanley Keyworth coming out from California for an intervention at her request. Thank God for Leo. But the explosions kept coming, anger directed at everything but the elephant in the room. She'd noticed the way he kept snapping at people. She'd noticed the way that things kept happening. He'd forget things, occasionally trailing off in the middle of a sentence. Sometimes, she'd hear a crash of something hitting the floor of his office, flung there of his own volition, and she was getting almost too familiar with the muttered curses coming from his office.

She'd seen all of this before. In the days and weeks after the attack, she'd come over with food and groceries, and help him do some light housework. She didn't have to do it, she could've asked others to help, but with him out of the office and her being his assistant, she felt like it was the more natural fit. Besides, she wanted to do it.

She ended up over there almost every weekend to help take care of things and make sure that nothing unnecessary stressed him out until he could get back on his feet. She had famously told Toby off when he wanted to see Josh about suing and confronting the hate groups responsible for the attack. After that, no one came to her to speak to Josh, fully expecting to be rebuked, and rightly so. He wordlessly appreciated the protection during those months, she knew that much, even if he pretended to be indignant about it.. She knew him well enough she could tell the relief that seemed to wash over him when she showed up. It made a warmth swell in her chest, resulting in a bright smile. Reassurance. He was going to be fine and she wholeheartedly believed that.

That was, she believed it until one day she walked into his apartment to find a cyclone of destruction, papers strewn everywhere, glass broken in the kitchen, books spine up on the floor. A well of hurt that bubbled and exploded in his usually somewhat calm sanctuary.

It was then she realized just how glad she was that she kept everyone else at bay. He wouldn't want anyone else to see the damage.

What took the brunt of his anger wasn't his possessions, but rather the puckered and healing skin of his side. Each angry outburst resulted in his skin ripping at the seams. Scabs, crusted over and healed, broke open, seeping blood as red and angry as the contents of his mind. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, Donna realized that now but at the time, she thought he was upset about his confinement, rather than suffering the effects of something deeper, something she couldn't quite comprehend. A part of her wondered how she could have missed it. Another part wondered why she didn't say anything to Leo sooner.

Looking back on it, she realized the mistake she made, and the mistakes she needed to stop making in the future. Which was why, at five that evening, Donna made it a point to shut down her computer and gather her things. Other staff was beginning to trickle out of the White House, and the silence was starting to get heavier and heavier as the minutes ticked by. The evening's darkness began to seep into the corridors and through the slits in the blinds around the office. Slowly, she pulled on her jacket and wound a scarf around her neck. Next came a hat before she picked up Josh's long brown coat and walked into his office. When she entered, he was rubbing his eyes tiredly. He couldn't fool her though. She knew he was trying to hide his exhaustion, and that it went deeper than even he would admit to.

"C'mon, Josh. It's time to go." He grumbled and she made it a point to brandish his coat closer to him. The fabric brushed against his desk, the sound evident in the quiet. "It's not a suggestion, Josh."

"Donna," he began to complain. "I'm in the middle of something here."

"It can wait until tomorrow."

"Donna--"

"Josh, come on. We're leaving." She avoided thinking about how her tone sounded like she was pleading for him to listen to her.

"Where are we going?" Josh asked, pulling her from her reverie as he pulled on his coat.

Donna shrugged elaborately as she put on a pair of fuzzy, light pink gloves. "We could go have a few drinks."

She tried to make her tone sound nonchalant, but she could hear the amount of caring in her voice, and she bet he could too. But he didn't say anything as he started gathering up his papers. She wanted to stop him and say, no, don't take this with you, be off for one night, but she knew that would be pushing it. Getting him to leave at a decent time was hard enough.

"Drinks sound good."

"Not too much, though," she said pointedly as the sound of a zipper reached her ears.

He slung his backpack over his shoulder and regarded her suspiciously. She felt herself smile in response to that rather hard gaze. She briefly wondered if he was considering whether this was a good idea. It probably wasn't, but she wasn't going to draw attention to that. If he tried to drink too much, she was fully prepared to cut him off, though maybe attempting to do that was a fool's errand. She'd just have to wait and see.

"Donna, I have to work tomorrow. I won't get drunk and try to come in anyway."

"You've done it before," she pointed out quickly, a smirk playing across her lips.

"Don't remind me," he grumbled as he led them out of his office and shut the door.

"I don't know, though. The Gordon's Fisherman look was kinda hot."

"Really? You think it was?"

Donna had to suppress a laugh as she led him down the hall. "No, not at all."

"You're mean."

"Yeah, but that's what you like about me."

"I thought that's what you liked about me."

Boy, he really was clueless. But, despite that, she gave him a dazzling smile and tried to keep the sarcasm from her voice. "Yeah, that's exactly what I like about you."

"Ha, I knew it."

They fell silent as they both signed out of the building and headed to the parking garage. Once there, she stopped suddenly, and he ran right into the back of her.

"You know, the key is to keep on walking."

"Shut up," she began as she rummaged in her purse. "My car or yours?" Her voice was muffled as she tried to find her keys.

"That sounds like an invitation, Donatella." There was a smirk to his words that she could clearly hear. "Is it?"

"Maybe it is, Joshua." She pulled out her keys and looked at him expectantly, willing him to take the hint, to realize that she didn't want him to be alone today after his outburst.

"Won't your roommates be, you know, annoyed that they have an unexpected houseguest?"

A huff rose unbidden to her lips. "Fine. You drive yours and I'll follow you there."

"Where exactly is there?"

"I said downtown."

"I thought you didn't like the college co-ed bars."

She shrugged elaborately. "I'll live."

They stood there for a moment longer than they needed to as Josh pulled his keys from his jacket pocket, watching her expectantly like he was waiting for her to make the first move. In the immediate days after Rosslyn, before he returned to the office, something shifted in Josh. Where once he was the go-getter, unafraid to do anything or approach anyone, now he backed off and let Donna take the lead. In the back of her mind, she wondered if that would change once things started going back to normal, whatever "normal" might entail now. She knew they could never truly go back to normal. But she tried not to think about that as she headed toward her car.