N.O.

Chapter Two

-Luna-

I make it to the coffee shop but sit in the car for twenty minutes, too afraid to get out. I don't know why I can't get out of my car. Come on Luna. Just open the door and step out of your car. Nothing seems to want to move. I don't know why a first grader can open their own car door and get out but for some reason I can't do it anymore. Every time I try to place my left hand on the door handle, my hand begins to shake uncontrollably. My breathing becomes heavy, I can't even control my own breath or hand. I close my eyes, try to inhale slowly through my nose and slowly exhale out of my mouth, but it doesn't seem to be working. I take my hand off the handle and place it on my lap. Once I do that, I start to calm down a little more. Maybe staying in the car isn't a bad idea. I can always try again tomorrow. I take out my laptop and begin to write. I write what comes to mind:

Red, green, and blue. The only colors I can actually see. The only colors that resonate with me, causing me to react. A response to trauma. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Was it my fault? Could I have prevented it if I had worn sweats that night? So many what if's and maybe's come to mind. I just want that thought, that dream, that night, that memory, that moment to vanish forever. It never happened Luna, you're okay.

A tear falls onto my keyboard. That's all though. One simple teardrop. I shut my laptop and hugged my steering wheel. I let out a loud, low-pitched scream of anger and frustration. It's been about two months. Why can't I move on? I just want to feel in control of myself. In control of my body. In control of what I wear. In control of what I say. I want to be me again. Whatever that even really means. Whoever that even really is.

NO.

NO.

NO.

I read that if you say a word or phrase three times in a row then it's possible to memorize. For some reason I can't seem to say no to anyone. It's like the word escapes my mind. I can never remember it. It feels like the way people describe what it's like to have alzhiemers. Easily forgetting simple words. What does 'no' really mean? The dictionary states: "a negative used to express dissent, denial, or refusal, as in response to a question or request," I expressed refusal, but because there was no question or request does it not mean anything? Thoughts spiral through my head. I don't know what to think. My thoughts don't even seem to make sense. I just want to be at home, in my bed, under my covers. I feel safe there.

Maybe I should call Indiana to see what she's up to today. I just don't feel like going home to my mother's complaint about how I don't go out enough. Most mothers actually prefer it when their teenagers stay home instead of being out and partying.

Indiana picks up the phone after two rings, "What do you want," she sounds as if she had just woken up.

"Indie, are you seriously not awake yet?" It's currently 1:27 in the afternoon.

"Luna, if you're just going to call to judge me then I'm going to hang up now." She must have been out late last night at another party.

"Relax. I was just going to ask if you were free today, could we go to the mall?" It's progress. I don't think I've asked to go to the mall since this past summer. I almost don't believe those words came out of my mouth.

"Are you feeling okay? Did you just ask me to go to the mall? Because if you did then my answer is yes, I will be over in 10. BYE!" She exclaims right before she hangs up the phone. I stick my key into the ignition and turn the car on. I slowly try to back out of the parking spot, very cautious of my surroundings. I don't like backing out unless I know I won't hit anything. I'm still not so sure how I got my license.

I drive home, when I get to the driveway I see that Carlos's car is no longer there. That is the quickest visit he has ever had. When I open the door I see that mother has made the house spotless, not that it was messy before, but she really knows how to clean. I can hear her vacuuming upstairs still. Honestly, how much cleaner can the house get? I walk into my room to see no clothes are left on the floor like when I left. My bed is made and my desk is cleaned. I clean this stuff myself, I promise, but sometimes my mom just wants things done her way. It's ridiculous, really.

I go into my closet to pick out different clothes to wear. I look through multiple times until I find a shirt that seems alright. A black long sleeve cotton shirt with white stripes. I go to the mirror to see how the shirt fits. I forgot that this shirt is cropped and reveals my stomach. I start to pant. Unable to control my breathing, tears start to fill my eyes. Everything in my vision is blurry. I pull my hair and grit my teeth. I want to scream, but I don't want to make a scene. Instead, I keep panting and slowly fall to the floor. I bring my knees into my chest and hug them, trying to protect myself. From who? Well, that's the thing, I don't know. I try to close my eyes to make everything go away, but I continue to pant and cry.

I hear the sound of the door opening, so I can't help but shout at whoever is at the door. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Oh my god, Luna!" I think it's Indiana, but I'm not really paying attention. All I know is that I feel someone on the ground with me. I try to wriggle out of their grasp, but I feel powerless. Just like before.

"Luna, it's just me. Indie. Look at me. It's okay. Look at me. It's okay. Look at me. It's okay." The third time I hear her say it I look up and see that it's just Indiana. She places the palm of her hands on both of my cheeks, forcing me to look her in the eyes. "Luna, everything is going to be okay. I'm here. You're okay. Nothing is going to happen to you. You're okay. You're okay." She says to me in a soft, gentle voice. I look at her eyes. My breathing begins to slow down more. Slowly, the tears start to fade from my eyes. I can see clearly again. My breathing returns to normal. I smile at Indiana, "Thank you. I needed that."

I get off the floor and sit on the edge of my bed. I feel embarrassed. Why did I react like that? Am I going crazy? Is this even normal? How am I supposed to move past last summer if I continue to have episodes like these? Indiana is the only person I told. I don't trust anyone else, nor do I want anyone to know. I'm afraid to let anyone know. If I'm being honest, I don't really remember telling Indiana.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks me, as she sits down a few inches away from me. "You scared me, Luna. What was going on? That's like the fifth time I've found you like that." She sounds concerned but more confused.

"I'm sorry, Indie. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know what needs to be fixed. I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON!" I shout, losing breath. I'm frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to move on, forget about it, or pretend like it never even happened.

"Then move on. Don't think about it anymore. Luna, just stop stressing yourself over it." She states matter-of-factly. I wish it were that easy. "Now, go back to your closet and change so we can go to the mall." I guess she's right. I need to move forward.

I head back into my closet to pick out a plain black sweatshirt to wear instead, along with some light-washed jeans and my black slip on vans. I feel a little bit better now. Hopefully the mall can take my mind off of things. I exit my closet to see Indiana snooping around on my laptop. "You know, writing about it won't make it go away." She states. She's never understood how important writing is for me. I'm not sure she ever will. I know which journal entry she's looking at. The one I wrote today outside the coffee shop. She's never understood the meaning of privacy, but I guess I have nothing to hide, it's just, my entries are kind of personal.

"Can we just go, I don't want to think about it anymore," I tell her as I walk to stand underneath the door frame.

"I'll drive, but that's just because I'm afraid you'll have another attack or something. I don't feel like dying today." She laughs and makes her way out my door and down the stairs. I just rolled my eyes and pretended she didn't say anything. I know she's just trying to be funny, but sometimes it's just not.

We get into Indiana's car, it's a nice black Audi. She really loves her car, she even named him Brad. I don't know why, I just go along with it. Throughout the car ride I just spend my time looking out the window, watching as cars drive by us. One car speeding passed us after another. I look up at the sky to see the clouds shifting and moving as we continue to drive. I just continue to look out the window and into the sky thinking. Thinking about whatever comes to mind. I think about Carlos and how strange he seemed this morning. I mean, he didn't even tell Grace he was going to be home today. I love Grace. Grace is probably the most beautiful person I have ever seen. Both on the inside and the outside. She's nice to everyone she meets, she rarely ever wears makeup, she's a great artist, and she doesn't care what other people think. I wish I could be more like her. Have such soft and clear skin, be able to rock any hairstyle, be confident, and not care what others think. I just have to learn to love myself. I don't know when I'll be able to. It's hard to love yourself when you feel worthless to everyone else.