N.O.

Chapter Seven

-Carlos-

I think everyone's big question to me coming out would be 'why'? Why did I wait so long? Because I knew that once I came out I would be treated differently by everyone. I wouldn't be seen as this alpha male anymore. My teammates would act differently towards me. They wouldn't want to change in front of me anymore. They might even think I wasn't 'man enough' for football anymore. But I am. Being gay shouldn't make me less of a man. If anything, coming out should make me braver, and make me seem like more of a man because of the risk I took on coming out. That would be my basic answer to why I didn't come out sooner. My real answer seemed to be much more complicated.

I'm Catholic. Well, I was raised Catholic, meaning my family was strictly Catholic and very old fashioned about the rules of the Church. I was raised to be straight. I was raised to love women. I do love women, but not in the way I'm supposed to. My parents wouldn't understand that. Especially my Dad. I grew up attending church every Sunday morning and every Holy Day of Obligation. I didn't stop going to Church until this year since I'm away from home now and they can't force me to go anymore. I've never felt like I belonged in the Church. I always felt judged, judged for being who I truly am. I know the sayings. God made women for men so that they would be able to start families of their own. I know my parents would see me as a disappointment, as a failure just because of who I love.

It's not just the Church that doesn't accept me or people like me. It's also this community. I know that times have changed and that people a part of the LGBTQ community are treated ten times better today than they were a hundred years ago, but no matter what we do or what movements we come up with, we will never be equal to a straight, white male. I kind of got the worst part of it all. I'm Mexican and I come from a conservative, strictly Catholic family. Well, I guess there really isn't a worst of end things, no one has it perfect. It really bothers me that everyone seems to assume I'm this perfect man when in fact, I don't know what being perfect or being a man really means. If you were to ask me what I thought being a man was ten years ago, I would have given you my Catholic answer. That being a man is defined by the body parts God gave them but also based on the actions they do. To be a man you have to take care of the family and provide for them, that means doing all the work outside of the house. I know it's old-fashioned, but most Catholic beliefs are derived from the ancient Bible. Now that I'm older and wiser, I see how times are changing and growing, so the church needs to adapt to the times. I want so badly to continue to follow the Catholic Church because I do believe in God along with many other Catholic beliefs. I would never force my beliefs onto another person though, where I may believe abortions are bad, another might believe that abortions are good and I would never try to convince them otherwise. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but the problem with that is that not everyone thinks that way.

* * * *

"Why haven't you been going to Church?" I've been on the phone with Grace, my girlfriend, for almost an hour just talking about our days, but as soon as the conversation seems to die down she started to ask me about church.

"I've just been busy with football and schoolwork," I told her, hoping it would be a good enough answer.

"You don't have football on Sunday's though. My parents have been asking where you've been and I wasn't sure what to tell them," I could hear the kindness in her tone, whereas I seemed to have been coming off harsh. She didn't deserve that. "Your mom actually called me the other day too, she asked me why I don't come over anymore, I wasn't really sure how to answer that so I just told her I was working on an art piece. Why didn't you tell me you were going home for the weekend? I would have gone with you, like always." I could tell by her rambling she was a little hurt that I didn't ask her to come over with me. I always do, I've never lied to her, but I guess I've been keeping the biggest lie of myself from her. I don't know what to do anymore.