Left In The Dark

Chapter 2

The stars were beautiful tonight in New York City. In spite of stars being barely visible due to the city lights, tonight they seemed to shine bright enough...just for me. I was out on my deck which was located outside through a glass door in my bedroom. It very rare that come out HERE anymore, but felt the need to tonight. Lying idle on my swing chair wrapped in a blanket, I gazed out into the night's sky. My momma use to tell me a lost soul on earth was a new star in the sky. I stared intently at each star wondering which one of them was him. Whichever one he was I bet he was shining the brightest. The chilled spring breeze began to blow and I clenched the blanket tighter around me. I closed my eyes and exhaled into the wind as I recalled memories with him out here. How he would wrap his arms around me like this blanket and kiss my neck, whisper sweet things in my ear and tell me how much he loved me. I reopened my eyes and looked down on my watch. It was almost 4:30 am. I have been sitting out here for about 5 1/2 hours now. Staring. It’s amazing to see how lively NYC can still be at this time of night. All while I felt like the complete opposite inside. The red and white car lights zipped past each other, the uniformed stream reminding me of a candy cane. A few sprinkles of people on foot could be seen on the sidewalks.

I finally stood to my feet, shaking the sleep out of them and entered my bedroom. Sleep and I just seem to be enemies tonight. Well kind of like every night since he passed. No matter how fatigued my body was, my mind would not allow me to rest. Nowadays I'm afraid to close my eyes because I know who I'll be dreaming of and more afraid to wake up because I'll remember that it was all just that. A dream. That it's not real and won't ever be real again. But I still cherish every moment of it. I feel like when my eyes are closed we have a chance to be together again, even if it is just for a few hours. I climbed in bed and rested my head against the pillow. I lay on my back and stared at the ceiling still debating on whether I should just stay up for the rest of the night to spare myself the heartache or dream and be with him. After spending 5 minutes I found a comfortable position and threw away those fears. I reached over to my night stand and grabbed the bottle of Ambien I kept close by for the days where staying up were not an option. I popped two pills in my mouth. Too lazy to GET water, I titled my head and dry-swallowed. Patiently I waited for the drugs to kick in. I stared at my ceiling until those little spots, dots, and floaters appeared before my eyes creating weird, intricate patterns. A few crocodile tears escaped my eyes from staring for so long, but it only opened up the flood gates to more to come rushing down which turned into full on weeping.

“Come on.” I softly whispered to myself.

I needed these pills to START working. I pinched my eyes shut and tried to focus on trying not to focus on him. After much effortful work, I finally managed to GET calm. And I STARTED to feel myself zoning out, almost like being on a high. I opened my eyes slightly. My ceiling was spinning and it was making me dizzy so I closed my eyes again. I felt my consciousness slowly descending into a deep and dark pit until I finally fell asleep.
~~~~~~

I tossed and turned through the rest of the night. Switched from one position to the NEXT. Nothing. I couldn't sleep a wink. That was until I felt a pair of strong arms from behind wrap around me. I was at ease in those arms. I even scooted closer to nestle within them. I could feel their chest against my back, caving in an out which had set a peaceful rhythm to which my own breathing adapted. We were in sync. Soon a pair of soft lips caressed the nape of my neck and I shivered. There was no doubt in my mind as to who this person was. No one else had such power over my physiology. I held my breath as he continued to kiss my neck. He strengthened his hold on me and pulled me even closer against his body which eliminated any of the little space that did separate us. I felt so warm. So safe. So secure. I felt whole again.

"Shawn?" I whispered.

"Yeah Bey?" He replied lips pressed against my ear—now nibbling on it.

My heart fluttered and I opened my eyes. It was pitch black. It wasn’t the same darkness as it simply being nighttime where. At the very least object’s outlines can be detected. This wasn’t the case. It was the type of darkness where I couldn't even see the back of my own hand when held at nose distance. I was all too familiar with this kind. I adjusted my body so that I now was facing the direction of his voice and reached up into the darkness to caress his cheek. With a lone finger he traced the outline of my mouth leaving it quivering under his touch. His lips quickly replaced his finger giving me the most passionate kiss I have ever felt. And like that I fell so deep in love with him all over again. My lips clung to his scared to part with them. His smooth tongue seamlessly entered my mouth entangling with mine and I moaned out from pure ecstasy. His kisses alone were sex. I greedily devoured them taking his bottom lip into my mouth and suckling it. He loved when I did that. Slowly I pulled at it while gently stroking his lip with my tongue. He broke our kiss with a whispered curse. “Shit Bey!” Reluctantly we pulled away from each other and I rested my forehead against his.

"Why did you leave me Shawn?" I asked with a voice drenched in sorrow.

My body throbbed in pain. This caused me to now place a death grip around his body in fear that if I let go he'll slip away from me again.

"I never left you Bey. I was always HERE and I'll always be here." He whispered against my lips.

I felt him catch my tears, not giving them a chance to fall and kissed my lips again.

"I love you. I love you so much."

"I love you too." He returned.

His voice echoed. He sounded like he was BECOMING more distant. I no longer felt his presence. Frantically I began clawing away at the darkness trying to find him again.
"Shawn?" I called out continuing to reach out for him.

My only reply was my own echo.

"Shawn!"
~~~~~~

"Shawn!" I screamed out, before shooting up out of bed.

My eyes felt like they were closed for only 5 minutes when I heard my phone blaring in the background. I yawned and rubbed my eyes. I looked around my bedroom and shook my head trying to re-orient myself. Instinctually I reached over to the other side of the bed. It was still as cold as ever. I was alone.

Again!

I slapped the mattress hard in frustration.

"Stupid dream." I mumbled to myself.

I rubbed my temples to gently massage away the oncoming headache. The phone continued to ring as I made a mental note to turn the ringer down NEXT time. I hunched forward and grabbed the phone from the table stand. I took a second to look at the caller ID before answering.
"HELLO?" I replied in a groggy tone.

"Damn Bey you sound like shit!" Kelly exclaimed over the phone.

I winced and pulled the phone away from my ear. I glanced over at the time. It was 8:37 am. I sighed as I relapsed back against the pillow.

"What do you want Kells?" I whined just wanting to go back and salvage the little sleep I was GETTING.

There was a slight pause in the conversation.

"....Whatcha doooing?" She asked with a child-like voice.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. That's Kelly for ya.

"Are you for real right now?" I asked annoyed.

"I'm for really really for real for realz." She light-heartedly responded.

She chuckled and I smiled a little. I always did enjoy her laugh. It was very infectious and big. I sat back up and rested against the headboard of my bed.

"So for real this time, what do you want Kelly?" I repeated.

"Go wash ya ass and GET out ya PJ's cuz chelles and I are coming to hang and keep you company aight." She commanded not even giving me a chance to decline.

"Do ya'll have to?"

Even though we were over the phone I imagined her rolling her eyes. I know my girl well.

"Whatever heffa, you ain't moping around in ya house on my watch." She finalized.

I sighed heavily before pulling the sheets off my body.

"Alright Kelly, whatever."

"You know you love me." She replied before blowing a kiss over the phone.

"If you say so." I joked.

"Bye." We ended in unison.

We hung up the phone and I stayed there, up-right in bed just thinking—trying to rejuvenate my mind and body. I found some strength to drag my sorry self out of bed and hit the showers. I let the hot water beat against my skin and rested against the cold tiles. I closed my eyes enjoying the relaxing and calming sensation only a morning shower could give you. After spending 30 minutes of washing away my weariness I stepped out the shower, washed my face and brushed my teeth. I dried off and deodorized myself. I pulled out a tank top and grey short shorts out of my dresser and got dressed. I headed downstairs to make some breakfast. Passing my art studio I backtracked and turned on the lights. There the painting I did yesterday stood proudly in the middle room. I walked up to it gently letting my fingertips glide against the canvas. That's when I heard the front door open. We all have a copy of each other's house keys so I didn't bother moving. I continued to stare at it as if he would miraculously BECOME real and become mine again. God is this really how depression feels?

"Bey?!" I heard Michelle call out for me.

I didn't flinch. I was too entranced in the portrait.

"Bey?!" They both called out again.

“Where this chick at?" Kelly being her usual boisterous self yelled.

I heard a pair of footsteps coming towards the room.

"I found her!" Michelle signaled to Kelly.

Soon after, I heard another pair of footsteps and sure enough it was Kelly's loud ass.

"Beyoncé what are you doing?" Kelly asked walking up beside me.

Michelle JOINED us by the painting and we all stood there looking at it. Silence fell between us as we all admired the painting. It felt like forever till someone spoke.

"This is beautiful. When did you do this?" Michelle whispered.

"Yesterday." I replied short above a whisper myself.

Kelly shook her head and turned my face towards her so that she had my attention.

"Why do you continue to do this Bey?" She asked furrowing her eyebrows.

"Do what...paint?" I asked confused.

She smiled and shook her head before letting out a light laugh.

"No. I know why you paint Bey." She pointed to my painting of us."I mean that...torture yourself." She replied.

I turned my attention back to the painting.

"I don't know." I answered holding my head down.

"Come on ya'll let's go in the living room and talk." Michelle suggested as a means to GET me out of the room. And away from the painting.

We all left the studio and went into the living room taking a seat on the couch. I sat Indian-styled and rested a pillow on my lap.

"So what exactly do I owe ya'll for this visit?" I asked with a cocked eyebrow.
They both shrugged their shoulders.

"I don't know. We were bored and hoped YOUR sad self would entertain us." Michelle answered with a kool-aid grin.

I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah real smart. Seek fun from the 'depressed' ONE." I stated sarcastically using hand quotations.

They laughed which made me smile a little.

"Why did ya'll come so early anyway?" I yawned.

"Well why are you so damn tired?" Michelle answered in question.

"I was up till 4 in the morning last night." I replied yawning again.

Both their eyebrows shot up.

"4 in the morning?!" They both replied in shock.

"What the hell were you doing till 4 in the friggin' morning?" Kelly asked.

I shrugged my shoulders and looked down at the pillow in my lap, picking at the loose strings.

"Thinking about him huh?" Michelle so accurately guessed.

The pillow slowly became blurry as tears filled my eyes. I looked into their faces and nodded. Kelly sighed and rubbed my shoulder.

"Oh Bey." She softly whispered.

I could see the pain in her eyes as well as Michelle's. They looked like they were hurting because I was hurting so much.

"I can't help it. I really want to forget...I really do, but it's like my heart won't let me. I don't wanna be like this anymore either; but I just can't help it." I tearfully admitted.

I softly cried in the palms of my hands and I felt them wrap their arms around me.

"We're not telling you to forget about him. We know how much he meant to you." Kelly said. "We just want you to love to live life again, move forward, and find happiness." She concluded.

"Yeah...you know I heard you're allowed THREE loves in a lifetime. Now you need to find Mr. Three." Michelle added stroking my arm. "Just promise us you'll try to move on eventually Bey."

I wiped my tears and nodded, muttering a simple “Ok.” But that was something that was much easier said than done. To be honest I don’t see myself ever GETTING over this or moving on. However for their sake I gave the response they needed to hear from me because I don’t need them to suffer in my pain. I hugged them both grateful to have two of the most caring friends in the world. At least I still had them. We spent the rest of the day chilling like we use to always do. We ordered take-out and watched movies till our eyeballs wanted to pop out. I was glad they decided to drop by and keep me company because I know I would have been doing instead.
~~~~~

BEEEEP!! BEEEEP!! BEEEEP!! 
I groaned and rolled over on my stomach. I held the pillow over my head trying to suffocate the loud noise of my alarm clock. I made another mental note to turn that shit way down too. A few seconds pass before I finally decided to open my eyes. I rose up and rubbed my eyes as a quick fix to my blurred vision. The time read 9:52 am. I plopped back down against my pillow and proceeded to drift back to sleep when I realized what today was. I shot up out of bed and made a B-line towards the bathroom. I had to get ready to go to the gallery. Today an important buyer was paying a visit to purchase ONE of my creations and I had to be PRESENT. Kelly will kill my ass if I'm late. I took a quick shower and got dressed within 20 minutes. I hopped into my 2007 black Nissan Altima and raced to the gallery. The usual drive would have taken me 25 minutes but I made it in about twelve. I parked right in front of the building and checked my watch. I was right on time. I had to admit I shocked the hell out of myself that I didn't cause an accident the way I was speeding and even more shocked that I didn’t get a ticket. I gave myself a little pat on the back as I walked into the building. I took a second to gather myself before entering through the door. I knew I wanted to be home and just sulk but I promised Kelly and Michelle that I would try. That meant faking the funk.
"Hey Kelly." I replied greeting her.

"I didn't think you were gonna make it." She admitted crosses her arms with an impressed expression.
I dusted my shoulder and popped my collar.

"Well you must not know 'bout me." I replied.

She shook her head rolled her eyes.

"Hey where's Chelles?" I asked noticing her absence.

"Oh she took the day off. Don’t ask me why cuz I don’t know." She replied with a lazy shrug.

"Lucky her." I replied mumbling under my breath.

"Yeah whatever let's at least act like we selling some paintings, he could be HERE any minute." She scolded.

As those words rolled off her tongue a very tailored-looking man walked in. I glanced over at Kelly and sure enough she was checking him out. I stood there and shook my head. This girl wasted no time. I gave him a second look. He was an attractive man I'm not even going to front...but he wasn’t Shawn. No ONE could ever be. I took a few steps back trying to fade into the background as I watched Kelly greet the man. They shook hands and exchanged a few words. I didn't bother to hear or be a part of the conversation. I just wanted to hurry up and go back home so I could sleep. So I could dream.

"And this HERE is the artist herself Beyoncé Knowles." She replied resting her hand on my shoulder snapping me back into reality.

I straightened up and extended my hand out to him and smiled.

"Hi." I replied.

He smiled as well and took my hand into his.


"So this is the talented artist.” He complimented.

I blushed and looked away.

"Thank you." I answered shyly.

I looked back up to be greeted with his gaze. His eye contact was fierce. It was as if his eyes were glued to mine and I felt uncomfortable with him staring that intensely at me.

"You know I expected you to look different." He commented.

"Really? How so?" I asked baffled.

He shrugged his shoulders and smiled before putting his hands in his pockets.

"Nothing. You're just… a lot more beautiful than I expected." He replied with a sexy smirk.

I took a quick glance at Kelly and she had a look of encouragement on her face. I shyly laughed and fanned off his flirtatious compliment and focused my eyes on my feet. He made me nervous and I didn't really like it. I gazed back up at him and there were his piercing eyes waiting for me.
"Why thank you Mr..." I hinted on not knowing his name.

"Lazaro Alonso, but my friends call me Al."He replied filling in the blank.

I nodded.

"Ok well Mr. Alonso thank you."

I think he noticed my brush off with his last flirtation because his bright smile fell to smaller polite ONE. An awkward silence fell between us and Kelly, knowing me took this as a sign to interfere.

"Why don't we go look at some of her work and pick something you like." She suggested.
"Sure." He replied.

He turned his attention back to me and took my hand again.

"It was nice meeting you Beyoncé." He said.

We shook hands again.

"You too."

Kelly proceeded to lead him towards the back, purposely bumping into to me on the way.

"I think someone's feeling you Miss Beyoncé." She managed to whisper in my ear as they passed by.

I glanced over my shoulder where Kelly was smiling big at me. As they were walking Kelly fell a couple paces behind to check out his ass. I looked back at me and held up the OK sign and winked. I chuckled because it looked like he was saying something but clearly it was hitting deaf ears. She was way too busy pretending to grab his ass as he walked. I shook my head with my hand clasped over my mouth, swallowing a laugh. I swear she's the one that really needs therapy. They disappeared from my line of vision.

I think someone’s feeling you Miss Beyoncé

Her words replayed in my mind. I shrugged off her accusation and went to go preoccupy my time with something. Anything. After some time, I'd say about 15 or some odd minutes Kelly and Mr. Alonso reappeared from the back.

"We'll have them delivered to YOUR address."

I managed to hear Kelly say to him.

"Good. Thanks for YOUR help." He replied while heading out the door.

They shared their goodbyes with a wave. I waved as well as he was gone out of sight. Kelly switched her attention back to me with a smug look on her face. I rolled my eyes and held my hand up.
"Kelly, don't even START." I warned her as I walked away.

She caught up to me with that same damn smug.

"START what?" She teased

I folded my arms across my chest and looked at her like the idiot that she sometimes was. She smiled bigger and I shook my head.

"Oh you mean don't START with…‘HE WAS TOTALLY FLIRTING YOU!'...thingy?" She screeched.

"Kelly!!" I yelled.

She chuckled and I buried my face in my hands. It felt hot so I was most likely blushing. Big time.

"You're a grown ass kid you know that."

She rolled her eyes and shrugged her shoulders.

"And ain't nothing wrong wit dat." She defended. "Anyway back to the subject. He was flirting and you know it." She insisted. “I say you hop on it gurl, I mean the dude’s name is Lazaro Alonso!” She tried her best imitation of a Spanish accent. It wasn’t good. “Shit! That’s enough to drop my panties right there.”

I gave her the side-eye dispelling everything she said.

"So what if he was, I ain't interested anyway." I finalized.

She huffed and threw her hands up.

"Because he's not Shawn?!" She asked frustrated.

I opened my mouth to make a comeback but nothing came out. She was right and I hated that she was. I bit down my bottom lip.

“Fuck you Kelly.” I coldly spat through gritted teeth.

I walked away leaving Kelly behind as those god-forsaken tears began to build up. I heard her heels CLICKINGbehind me as she caught up and turned me back around.
"Beyoncé I'm sorry." She apologized.

I faced ONE of the near-by paintings and stared at it. She sighed as she continued her apology.

"You gotta understand that I'm just tired of seeing you like this Bey. I want you to be happy and move on...without Shawn." She concluded.

"And you have to understand Kelly that it's not that easy for me to do." I replied now giving her my attention.

She sighed and nodded her head, throwing up her hands.

"You know what? You're right. It isn't easy but you did promise me that you'd try Beyoncé.” She reminded me.

"Now why not try wit señor Alonso and his fine ass." She added again using that damn accent.

I shook my head.

"I'll think about it ok Kelly."

She rolled her eyes and sucked her teeth.

"That's a no then." She mumbled.

"I said I'll think about it Kelly damn! Now can we leave this alone?" I asked.

"Yeah aight." She replied over her shoulder as she walked over.

I clenched my teeth trying to keep my cool though what I really wanted to do was blow up. Scream. Curse. Cry. I held it all in, took a deep breath and feigned a smile as people passed by. We continued on the rest of our day at the gallery without uttering another word about my life—especially the part about that man being any part of it.
~~~~~~~~

I finally got home from the gallery and was so happy to be back. I wasted no time heading upstairs to my room. I stripped out of my work CLOTHES and walked over towards my closet to get my pajamas. I reached up for them on the top shelf inside the closet. I felt around until I grabbed them and pulled them down when something else fell along with them. I stooped down to pick it up and realized it was one of Shawn's T-shirts. I had forgotten he had some clothes left behind from the many nights he spent over. I held my breath and I slowly unfolded it. I walked backwards towards my bed and sat down still holding his shirt, leaving my pajamas abandoned on the floor. I softly caressed it and held it up to my nose. I inhaled deeply taking in the scent. It still smelled just like him. It was embedded in the fabric. He had such a distinct smell. I held my mouth trying to refrain from crying.

"Shawn." I whispered as I buried my face in the SHIRT.

I didn't think it was possible to hurt this much. So much that your body experiences physical aches. And then eventually numbness. I slipped his SHIRT over my head and put it on. I laid back and wrapped my arms around myself—playing his role. I sniff his shirt again intoxicated by the scent of his cologne and closed my eyes enjoying the pleasure of knowing I had something of his to hold on to. Somehow I found solace and slowly but surely I drifted off to sleep. To my dream life. With him.