Left In The Dark

Chapter 25

I was sick to my stomach. This was not how I expected to feel on this day. Our anniversary day. I was just so nervous. Today was what I had been waiting for all week but now that it was here I was getting cold feet. Don't you hate when that happens? When you highly anticipate something and right when the event comes around, you chicken out? I held my knotting stomach having that exact feeling right now. Never have I experienced nerves like this. Shawn and I were driving on our way to the hospital. Every bump in the road made my stomach churn. I felt like vomiting. My mind was a cloudy haze. As much as I tried to clear it, it just fogged up with uncertainty and hesitation. I was thinking about the surgery in silence. The operation. The recovery. The benefits. The risks. The question that loomed in my mind was, was this what I wanted? Would this all be worth it?

My blindness was something that I was so adjusted to that I was afraid of having to readjust again. Like adjusting to a completely new life. Change is an intimidating and scary thing. It's no wonder why we fear it so much. I bit my knuckle as the pain I might be in took momentary precedence.

Will they give me anesthesia? How much will it hurt? How long until I recover?

Then I went from worrying about the pain to worrying about what I'd see. The birds, the vibrant flowers, the moon, the stars, the litter, the cigarette butts, the ugly pigeons I hated so much, my mothers, my father, Kelly, Michelle, Solange... Shawn. Oh Shawn. The idea of seeing him didn't clear the haze. Like Lazarus, doubt rose from dead and with it came some of the ugliest of thoughts.

Would I like what I see?

What if me seeing him changed how I felt? Because I couldn't see Shawn, there was a mystique about him. Part of the reason why I fell so hard for him was because he just felt like this protective cloud, constantly hovering over when I need him. I can't explain it. It was almost supernatural. In my mind he was perfect. Inhuman. I was so ashamed to think this but, what if Shawn wasn't how I imagined? Don't get me wrong. I love Shawn with every ounce of my being but there was still that existing flaw of disappointment

The car stopped. A hand placed on my lap pulled me back from the downward spiral of my thoughts.

"You ok baby?" Shawn asked.

By his voice I could tell his was truly concerned. I smiled weakly feeling guilty of what was going on in my mind just seconds before. Shawn began a soft caress on my knee. His other hand cupped my face. I nodded trying to brush away those awful feelings.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure? You been so quiet the entire drive. I'm so used to you complaining like 'are we there yet bae?'" He teased offering his best imitation of my voice.

I smirked. "Shut up Shawn."