When We Were Young

LII: all i want

My grandparents cut mom off for a few months, only inviting her back into the family when they found out that she was pregnant. By that time, her little brother, Theodore, was already planning to take her place as head of the company once their parents decided to retire. Needless to say, Mom was not happy about having that swiped out from under her. She worked her entire life for that job and it was stripped out from her in such a short period of time.

Mom worked for months to regain her parents' trust and I still don't know if she has fully gained it back. They agreed to let her back in the company, managing a branch in Toronto, but it wasn't the same. This began mom's resentment of her marriage.

Next, she lost her baby. My older brother was stillborn.

This was a nail in the coffin for her, further leading her to believe that this marriage was filled with darkness. Her and dad began their fighting around this time.

However, she didn't want to prove her parents right, so she stayed with dad. That's the reason she always stays. They pretend to be a perfect, happy family around others when their marriage is falling apart on the inside.

Though no one has ever confirmed this for me, I think I am a result of that perfect image they wanted to paint. Two years after the death of their first baby, my parents had me.

Since birth, my mother has instilled in me the mistakes that she has made. Leaving her career for a man, being one of the most daunting. She wanted to make sure that I would never make such an idiotic mistake as letting go of a future that is so perfectly planned out for me.

It is clear that mom was greatly affected by her youthful decisions and what she experienced from her parents growing up. I know that grandma and grandpa were always forceful in having her marry the "right guy". She hated that and has never pushed that onto me. We barely ever talk about my romantic life. The issue of who I end up with is unimportant because she doesn't want me to lose everything for loving someone the way that she did. Even if I ended up unmarried, I would still get to inherit her role.

However, she's thinking that I ought to want to work in the family company like she did and that sacrificing that would make me miserable. In reality, the family business is not where I see myself.

The scholarship, if I were to get it, would mean that I would have to have a talk with her similar to the talk that she had with her parents before her marriage. For me, I'd be choosing my career, but not the career she wanted.

Nonetheless, I would undoubtedly be shunned from my family. It makes me wonder if all of this is even worth it. Would I end up in ten years, hating whatever job I end up having in the history field (if I can even find one) just as my mother resented her marriage? Would I, too, wish I had allowed my own mother to be more controlling of my life?

I think I know everything now and that my rebellions are for the greater good, but what really do I know?

At the end of the day, I'm just a naive 20-year old, believing her passions are all she needs in this world and thinking that I am unstoppable. I know nothing. I have experienced nothing. How could I possibly make such an important decision at this age?

Often, I portray mom, in my mind, as the antagonist of a world that revolves around me. I forget that the world that revolves around her spins on a different axis and it's much darker than what meets the eye. I am so quick to dismiss her as overbearing or outmoded, I don't take time to really think about where she is coming from and maybe... she's right.

I can't do this. I can't give up a secure future for a field where jobs are so scarce no matter what amount of interest I feel for the subject. It's stupid and foolish and a young person's idiotic hopes and dreams. I can't afford to make that same mistake my mom did.

"Mave!" Gray calls loudly to get my attention.

I snap back to reality and realize that there is a platter of food in front of me. Gray's face is a mixture of irritation and concern.

"Geez, are you okay? I called your name like five times before you answered. You didn't even acknowledge the waiter when he brought our food out!"

An immediate feeling of anguish runs through me, thinking about my rudeness to the waiter. I was so lost in my own head that the rest of the world became blurred. That hardly ever happens to me. I also hardly ever think so deeply about my mother.

"Sorry," is all I respond with, picking up my fork to start eating.

Gray knows a lot about my family. He knows that my parents fight a lot, especially when I was younger, and how that's affected me. He knows that their marriage has caused a great strife in my extended family and that is the root of their arguments. That's about all that he is privy to with regards to my parents, which is strange considering how much I know about his mother and now, potentially his father too.

I choose not to share details about the vapid love story, the forbidden marriage, the loss of inheritance, and the death of their first baby because I don't even like thinking about it myself. It's easier to think of my mom as a villain rather than an adult with valuable guidance for me.

Today is no different. Instead of talking this out with Gray, I tersely pick at my food.

"I know there's something wrong," he comments, putting a large forkful of the fish into his mouth. "But it's okay if you don't want to talk about it, I get it."

It's clear that we both think about those weeks of shunning, where his nightmares would be a topic to be avoided at all costs.

I'm grateful that a comfortable silence falls over us. It's the kind of quiet that can only feel good between Gray and I or Tate and I. We don't need to constantly be speaking to each other, knowing the other person was there for you was all that we needed.

It gives me the opportunity to think of my next steps. Specifically, the scholarship.

I had planned to apply for it to prove to myself and my mom that I could get somewhere with this career. Even if I win it, does that necessarily mean that I should go down this career path? A scholarship doesn't mean that you'll be good in the field or that you'll be successful. The only option that guarantees my success is the one that mom has laid out for me and for once in my life, I don't want to let that go.

I have been using this scholarship to make the decision for me. If I get it, I will pursue history. If I don't, I'll pursue business. How can I let some random people on a scholarship committee decide my future? They don't know me beyond an essay and a few references. No, this scholarship cannot make a decision for me and I cannot hide behind it anymore. This choice is mine to make.

Eleanor did it. She won this scholarship and finished a doctorate in History. Now, she's got a family and a stable job at Bartley University. She did it.

The thing that holds me back from saying if she can do it, why can't I is how childish the statement sounds. There are so many reasons why her success does not equal mine. Talent, connections, luck. All factors that may not be aligned for me. It's childish to think that I will be successful because chances are, I won't be.

And if I'm not successful, I would have lost my career and my family. I can't risk that.

It's decided then. If I am not willing to switch into history, why bother applying to the scholarship at all?