When We Were Young

XXI: maybe it's time

"Mave, could you pass me the pacifier?"

Emery wimpers a little as I hand Tate the blue pacifier from the coffee table.

She gently pushes it against the mouth of the baby that currently lays in her lap. Instantly, Emery takes it and the whimpering stops just before it becomes a full-blown cry.

"Thank you Auntie Maverick," Tate imitates in a high-pitched voice. She holds Emery up from underneath her armpits and wiggles her around in the air for a few moments before her arms get tired and she sits the baby down.

"She is so precious," I scoot closer to them from my position on the Bankers' living room carpet. I run my fingers through the sparse, dark hair on Emery's head as she happily sucks on the pacifier, oblivious as to the world around her.

Sometimes I wonder what that little girl is thinking. Her green eyes are so bright and full of light, she has to be wondering about the world around her. She's like a perfect blank slate, still full of possibilities.

"You look sad," Tate tells me, snapping my gaze to her.

I sigh. "Sorry, maybe I should go? I don't want to make Em unhappy."

Tate's eyebrows scrunch, eyeing me strangely. "She's barely six months old, I don't think she cares too much." Emery grabs her finger, as she does so often now. "Are you okay, Mave?"

"I've just got a lot to think about."

We have just finished our winter term exams, marking the end of our freshman year. I'm set to move back home for the summer next week to spend time with my family. I've missed Mar, dad, and even mom, so I'm excited to go back, but another upcoming event has been eating away at my thoughts: declaring my major.

For the past few weeks since my strange conversation with my mom on the phone, I've been internally struggling with the idea of possibly not doing business. After completing this semester, I have only solidified that I don't enjoy this major and I can't see myself happily continuing on to law school. Still, there's the obstacle of my mother, who is absolutely adamant that I continue down this path as she believes this is best for me.

In the next two weeks, I have to declare my major. Normally, this would be an easy task and I would be able to get it done no problem, but now, I'm not even sure what I want my major to be.

"Is it your major?" Tate correctly guesses.

We had a long conversation about this a few nights ago in my bedroom, where I vented to her about the difficult choice I had up ahead of me. I felt silly even thinking about it as it seems like such a far-fetched thing for me to do, but no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I can stand another three years of business, I can't.

That night, Tate didn't really offer her opinion because she recognized that's not what I needed at the moment. I just wanted someone to talk to and cry to. She happily served as that person.

Exhaling slowly, I nod. "Yeah... I'm sorry, you must be so tired of talking about this."

"How sure are you that you want to switch to history?"

"Not sure at all," I tell her. "The first time I even considered it was when my TA suggested majoring in it. All I know is that I like history and I dislike business, from what I've seen of it. I guess it could get better?"

Tate looks down at Emery, who is aimlessly waving her arms around. "I say wait a year. Take a few more history classes next year and try to get as much experience in that field as possible. Also, keep an open mind about business. I'm no business major, but I understand that it's a field where you can go into many areas, not just law. Explore your options with a business degree. In my opinion, it's not worth it to destroy your relationship with your mother and potentially your entire family based on a small inkling and feeling of rebellion."

Genuinely, I consider her points. For the first time, someone is giving me advice, not just telling me that I should pursue what I want to.

Though I appreciate Mickey standing up for me against my mother, it's not very helpful to tell someone to do what makes them happy. Life is so much more complicated than that and there are so many factors at play.

What Tate is advising makes sense. Why would I piss off my mom right now based off of some potentially temporary dislike of my major? Who knows, I could easily change my mind in a few weeks, I'm known to be pretty indecisive. It's not worth it to start something out of something that is likely going to be nothing in the end.

"I like the idea of waiting. I do think I need to take more history courses before making a big jump like that and erase the teenage rebellion side of me trying to go against my mom all the time. I have to give it a real chance."

Em reaches towards me and Tate gently places her in my arms. I cradle her small body and she smiles widely.

"Exactly." Tate moves down to the ground from the couch, playing with one of Em's toes. "You know, you're lucky that your mom cares. Maybe cares too much sometimes, but she cares and wants what she believes is the best for you. If you do end up switching majors, take that into consideration too."

A wave of sadness flashes over her expression and she is undoubtedly flashing back to her own mother. Though Lily had many, many faults, Tate has always had a daughterly admiration for her.

Emery's eyes meet mine. I know that in the future, this little girl will not have the bittersweet outlook of her mothers that Tate and I do. My heart soars at the thought that Tate really did learn her lesson and gave this beautiful baby a life Tate never had. If Tate were to have kept her, little Emery would have grown up with an absent mother too and one that would have been way too young and unfocused to take care of her. Now, she has Ophelia and Samantha, who cherish her so much and will give her a life where love overpowers the sadness of the world.

Speaking of, Ophelia pops her head into the living room, looking abashed for interrupting a quiet moment of deep thought.

"Sorry, girls. It's time for Em's pediatrician appointment."

Tate smiles at Ophelia before bending downwards to place a small kiss onto Emery's cheek to which she responds with a delighted giggle.

I hand the baby over to Ophelia, who props her up vertically, patting her back. "Tatum, are you planning to come over next weekend as well?"

"That's the plan." Tate doesn't take her eyes off the mother-daughter duo.

We move towards the front door, pulling on our shoes and opening the door. As we step out, we wave one last time to Emery and Ophelia.

Nearly in unison, we coo, "Bye bye Em!"

---

I stare out my window at the bright summer sun that shines into my room. Sighing, I return my gaze back to my computer screen.

First choice major:

Today was the day to submit major choices.

My mouse hovers in between business and history.

"Hey, Mave!" My brother throws open my door, without knocking. "Are you coming?"

He's got his bike helmet on, reminding me that I had agreed to go on a bike ride with him.

"Yeah, once sec." I shoo him away, frustrated.

I can't believe I'm even considering putting History down. There is a strange magnetic draw I feel towards that choice, even though I know it would be nonsensical to make a rash decision like that. If I don't want to listen to my mother, I need to listen at least to what Tate told me.

Clicking one, I let out a breath of relief and quickly shut my laptop.

First choice major: business.