My Light (Danisnotonfire / Dan Howell fanfic) [EDITING]

1 - Dan - Lonely

"Hey, Internet!" I say to the camera. "So, as a YouTuber, I don't really go out often on dates, I'm pretty sure the last time I did was at least 4 years ago. It's doesn't help being an awkward, weird and clumsy man either. I'm going to tell you about 'my first date'." I say, grinning at the camera. On the outside, I may seem like a bubbly, relatable person who doesn't really have anything wrong with their life; but in reality, I don't think there's much right. I mean, there's my best friend, Phil, and he helps me loads, but I don't know if he's enough now.

I know people have it worse, but I hate this feeling. I mean, I joke about having existential crisis', but my thoughts sometimes take over me and I have a mental breakdown.

I keep looking at my hands subconsciously. I realise I am doing it so I sit on my hands and try to keep smiling at the camera. The video will be under 'Reasons Why Dan's a Fail'. I havn't been out with anyone since I was 20. I only saw her once before we never spoke again. I didn't really like the girl anyway, she was too full of herself.

My first date was when I was twelve. The girl was pretty, but her personality was a bit shitty. She kept looking at her phone and complaining at things that weren't even relevant. Not to mention she looked in her mirror at literally ever second. We went to McDonalds and for some reason, she didn't want to order with me so I already knew that she wasn't very nice. I couldn't eat the fries as they went cold. She said I was funny so I said she was 'erm... Pretty?', which was not the best idea as I made it sound like a question, which made me pinch myself under the table, consequently making me squeal. No joke, I was that stupid. After we left we went behind the diner and I kissed her. Well, she kissed me, and I still didn't know how to kiss, plus I was shocked so I couldn't close my eyes. If I had to describe it with two word, it would be incredibaly awkward. We talked for a few more months over text, but I broke up with her later on. A girl I would like to be with is someone who is funny, pretty, a kind heart, and hopefully someone that can help me through depression.

•

I switch off my camera and take out the memory disc. I scoot over to my computer and plug it in and start editing. I have to take out all the bits where I sigh and look at my hands. The reason I did that was because I was lonely. My subcribers think of me as the happy one, or the hot one that doesn't need anything else, but I'm really not. I need to go to the doctors soon to get some pills to help stop my depression, or at least hold it off for a few weeks. I just wish I could be truly happy inside and outside.

•

I've just finished editing the video, after several hours, and is now rendering. I think I'm going to take a shower. I head down the hall silently to the bathroom. Once I get in there I take off all my clothes and stare in the mirror.

I'm not good enough.

I look at my wrists.

I can't stop my hand from reaching down into the drawer and take out a blade.

Phil doesn't know that I cut. He thinks that I gave up about two years ago, but I didn't have the guts to tell him that I started again. I want to, so badly, but I just can't tell him. I don't want to hurt him.

I can't stop my hand from pushing down on my skin.

I can't stop the blood that rushes out.

I snap back to reality and put my arm under the tap, turning it on and washing the crimson blood away. I run the blade under the water afterwards and put it back in its hiding place. I step in the shower. The hot water washes the rest blood away, stinging the cuts as it goes. I'm going out after this, I haven't been outside in three weeks. I wrap a bandage around my wrist and slide my bracelets back on.

•

As I slip on my coat, Phil comes out of the kitchen. I can see him looking at the bracelets, trying to figure out why I am wearing them, but he soon shrugs it off.
"It's good you're going out, maybe you'll meet someone!" He cheers,
"Unlikely, who would want to go out with me? See you later!" I laugh sarcastically while shutting the door. I decide to go to the park. There's a nice fountain there. I enter the park and wonder around for a bit. I get to the fountain. The fountain is lit up with pink and purple lights. The lights switch colours a few times before returning to just purple, and vice versa; it's so pretty. I stand staring at it for a while, probably looking like a right twat.

It must have been hours before I decided it's time to turn away. It's getting cold and dark. I hate the dark.
"Ouffff!" A small body crashes into me. I jump and try to catch them before they can fall. I look to see who it is that ran into me.

It's a girl...

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

For the record, I ship phan, but I wanted to write this.
I'm sorry I made Dan cut! It hurt to write it!

QOTD: Do you ship Phan?
((AOTD: yes, more than you can imagine ;) ))

Whos_That is out

((Can I just say that double brackets is editing me, so watch out for some sarcastic comments at my younger self because I hate this book and I'm rewriting it))