love
love is an interesting feeling. its the feeling of compassion, bliss, butterflies. its a feeling one tries so hard to hold on to, in fact some people make it their whole life. love can be horrible, and terrifying. thats exactly how i felt. i wasnt ready for love, in any form. your hugs. your kisses. your warm, raspy, cheery voice that sang songs like it came from angels. your picnic dates. your beach dates. any form of love, fucking love, i couldn't accept.
you put your all into making sure i knew you loved me, you put everything you ever could. watching you obsess over me was a funny thing, and the ways you had to turn around the words 'i love you' always gave me a giggle. sometimes it was through corny one direction inside jokes, sometimes it was through the infamous middle finger but in the end.
it was so hard for me to accept your love.
all i could do is regret.
september 13 2021
"i love you" jason muttered out
he was still holding me in his arms when those words came out, the words i feared i would hear one day although i knew it was coming. sure, we had the whole middle finger thing but those three words, they were something else.
i didnt say anything. the reality of him telling me i love you was just, out of my reach. at the same time as much as i hated to admit it especially since we basically just met a month ago, i loved him. i loved that one time he kissed me. i love his voice when he sang songs, most of the time he never realized he was singing. he started to sing trainwreck ever so silently the other day hoping i wouldn't hear it. but i did. i love his good morning texts, that i never answer but they always come. and i love the cheesy nicknames no matter how hard i try to lodge them.
i love jason
but i couldnt say that
and no matter how hard i was trying to leave, go back to the table and finish nialls birthday just right. i couldn't let go. it's not that he was holding me too tight and i was trapped under his arms, it was the fact that he was holding me. the fact i was off the ground floating a bit so his back wouldn't hurt, it was the fact his contagious warmth that spread from his body lit a candle in my heart that was waiting to be enlightened for so long.
i didn't want to let go? but i also wanted to?
my head was placed around his chest, i heard his heart beat. it wasn't racing, but he wasn't flatlining, i dont know why he would be but i had to check either way. his chest was warm, and so was his arms that were placed around me. one was on my upper back and another placed snuggly over my waist. it's his 'short people' hug, but i've never seen him hug anyone that way. he's hugged pascale and serene and it was around the back for both of them.
also me and pascale are not short. he's just tall.
all the thoughts and emotions that were circling around in my head were stopped me from even thinking. he loved me, he really loved me and unlike me and my annoying self he wasn't afraid to tell me his feelings towards me and how i really meant to him,
the more and more i held onto him, the more his body felt like some sort of dream. like he wasn't there, and i was in love with no one and it was just my mind screaming to finally be open and to stop trapping myself in my own mind. its not as scary as i make it sound, but i literally havent been able to talk about my own self for so long since feeling like others overpowered over me. i just felt as my feelings were meaningless. i got so overwhelmed
so i cried into his shirt
loud
"love? are you crying" the sound of crying, whatever sound that was, vibrated against his chest. he held me a little tighter but i still felt as if i was about to fall and collapse, maybe even melt into the floor or something. my tears wet his shirt a bit, mostly because i tried my best not to remove my head from his chest. i didn't want him to see my crying face, i didn't even wanna cry in the first place.
