Surviving planet Earth

Not dying - An introduction

If you are reading this, then congratulations - you are still alive. No, honestly, you earned it; please accept a complimentary T-shirt that reads "I survived planet Earth!" Because the whole business of just 'being' on this planet is fraught with danger.

No, really, it is.

The planet Earth is perhaps one of the most dangerous places to visit in the solar system. More forbidding than Mars, more likely to kill you than a day out on Venus and perhaps more full of surprising ways to die than a quick trip to Jupiter.

Please let me explain.

Mars may be an airless vacuum. Its temperature may range from boiling to so cold that an unprotected individual such as yourself would become a human popsicle within seconds.

But your chances of being run over by an errant bus are NIL.

Venus is said to be interestingly full of stuff. It has a climate that will not only melt the skin from your sad corpse, but then broil the remains in the 800 degree heat - that is assuming you survived the crushing pressure, of course...

But you won't get mugged at gunpoint. There is absolutely no chance that some drug-crazed individual is going to pop up and stick the pointy end of a weapon in your face.

Jupiter's average balmy temperatures of -145 Degrees Celsius does mean that you will need a rather good winter coat to stay toasty, and its ammonia clouds could play havoc with your ability to sing 'I should be so lucky'.

But the statistical likely-hood of drowning is zero. Oh, and you are unlikely to meet any zombies,

You see, the planet Earth, that great big blue blob floating in the inky void, the so-called cradle of life; third rock from the sun, is actually an incredibly and stupendously hostile place to be. Just getting out of bed in the morning is an achievement. It requires, amongst other things,  that:

a) Our drug-loving friend from earlier hasn't now become totally demoralised by mugging people in the street and has instead taken to house-breaking;

b) your house, with its' multiple devices sucking up 1000's of volts of electricity hasn't sparked onto something flammable (i.e EVERYTHING) in the oxygen-rich atmosphere that pervades our home planet and turned you into a charcoal version of your former self;

c) World War 3 didn't break out overnight because some guy decided he didn't like what some other guy said about his country's inability to get a grip on reality.

And that's all before breakfast; before your first cup of coffee; before you venture out of your front door. 

Then things start to get really dodgy...

Whether it is surviving crazed, flesh-eating zombies (honestly, it happens all the time in the movies) or negotiating your way along a highway filled with thousands of tons of high-speed metal or surviving a brief splash in the frigid ocean, this book provides some insights into what you can expect and some of the tried and tested methods (admittedly sometimes of those depicted in the movies) of avoiding the worst effects.

So may I give you a piece of advice? Before you open that door, pop this book into your bag. 

It might just save your life.

Disclaimer: 'How to survive LIFE' is for entertainment purposes only. It is a general guide on how to avoid being eaten by sharks, obliterated by stray meteors, slashed by zombies and terminally annoyed by librarians. The author assumes no liability for people dying stupid deaths.

If people will insist on living on planet Earth, that's their lookout.