Surviving planet Earth

Surviving the zombie Apocalypse - Part One

It's got to happen, right?

I mean, for years we have had a visual feast of zombie apocalypse movies to savour, from the blisteringly exciting "Zombies from outer space!" to the tear-jerking "Zombies in love", a powerful, yet epic treatment of two people torn apart...

But despite the stark differences in directorial style directed at the genre, all these movies, every single one, has a common theme running through them, and it is this: Zombies want to eat people alive.

Dead people are of no interest to them, because despite their fearsome reputation, they do have some ethical standards. Another common theme is that zombies splatter quite nicely. Give a hero or heroine a simple cricket bat, hockey stick or similar everyday sporting item, and they will squish their way through a plethora of the undead with the ease of a hammer-wielding maniac amongst a school of jellyfish, and these two facts play an important role in my upcoming survival tips.

Another point to remember is that these movies are not for entertainment.

They are training manuals.

And this is because the governments of the world have for years realised that whilst there is little they can do in the way of propaganda to ease the human condition, world hunger and suffering at the hands of tyrannical despots, they could at least condition the human psyche for a possible zombie invasion.

You don't have to think too hard about it. There in no angst in the zombie world. You just smash their brains to mush or they eat you.

So, bearing all of this in mind, here are my top tips for surviving the zombie horde.

Tip One – How do I know the apocalypse has started?

This isn't as straightforward as it sounds. If you have ever joined the morning commute you will notice the vacant stares of pale-faced fellow travellers as they bustle unthinkingly past you on their way to whatever part of the city they are usefully employed.

Occasionally, one of them will open his or her mouth and make a sound like "Aarghmmmm". When the train/bus stops, they will shuffle off silently, everyone heading seemingly in the same direction. Sometimes you will notice small groups of them surrounding a vending cart and noisily slurping what could only be called food because it says so on the packet. You could be excused for thinking that the adventure has already started and in a short while the silent crowds will realise that you are the only one who is not part of the great un-dead.

Pay no heed. This is just a normal morning and is nothing to be concerned about.

If, on the other hand you experience all of the above AND your travelling companions start trying to eat your intestines, then the zombie apocalypse HAS started and you can plan accordingly.

Go to Tip two.

Tip Two – Now what do I do?

First of all don't panic. Slurp your coffee and yawn widely and noisily – it might buy you a couple of minutes. When the train/ bus stops, pretend to shuffle off like the rest of them. When the carriage is empty, jump back on board and get the hell out of there.

Note: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GIVE THEM THE FINGER AT THIS POINT, EVEN WHEN THE TRAIN/BUS DOORS WHOOSH CLOSED, BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN PISSING OFF THE UNDEAD EXCEPT FOR THE NASTY LITTLE WHOOSHING SOUND AS THE DOORS SUDDENLY OPEN AGAIN.

Tomorrow: You've survived your first encounter but now you need a plan, a weapon and, with luck, a fortified building housing an arsenal of weapons. But, let's face it, it's not going to happen, is it?

Fortunately, zombies are easily, if messily, dispatched. We discuss the relative merits of cricket bats versus big sticks with nails in them, how to fortify your flat and what kind of food you will eat in a future where zombies rule.

Sleep well!