Tip 3 – How to make your modest one-bed apartment zombie-proof.
Despite popular opinion, zombies are not actually very strong. After all, they are basically human shells. The problem is that they don't get tired, or feel the need for a break. You can't wear them down. It is impossible to demoralise a zombie. What you need to construct here is something durable, so get yourself some bricks.
I realise that these aren't the easiest things to transport, so I suggest you start by plundering your neighbours (always assuming they are not waiting behind their door with a toothy grin, of course).
Metal sheeting from those allotment sheds will also come in handy.
Now seal yourself in.
Actually, no – wait! You forgot the food, didn't you? A feverish look at the refrigerator tells you everything you need to know: a six-pack and a week-old takeaway are not going to get you through this. Time to go shopping.
Tip 4 – Menu 'Apocalypse'.
If you are one of those people who does their shopping in a kind of semi-coma, you are going to be in good company. After all, your fellow shoppers are zombies, and you will remain completely unnoticed as you shuffle blearily through the aisles. Work quickly and avoid the tearing desire to empty the shelves of alcohol. You need food, not fun.
This is all assuming that the apocalypse is a sudden and cataclysmic event, of course. If not, those shelves will have long ago been emptied by frenzied hoarders. If so, all you are likely to find is creamed corn , if you are lucky (somebody makes this stuff and someone else must buy it, but exactly who this crazed individual is remains a mystery).
Take it all, because whilst creamed corn is probably the most pointless food ever created by man, it is much, much better than the alternative, which is road-kill.
Probably...
If even this delicacy is absent, you need to start thinking of scrounging. Dumpsters are a good starting point but beware that zombies may also be using them to nap in when not roaming the streets for man-flesh. If you are not brave enough to venture in to a dumpster, you could start combing the streets for rats. Now, whilst this persecuted rodent is, and has been, eaten all over the world, sometimes because people actually wanted to, the central message in any good rat recipe is plenty of sauce, so load up on ketchup first.
Now you have your supplies, you are going to need a weapon. Forget the 'household' section. Carving knives and cheese graters are going to be of little use here – you need something heavy and solid. Find the 'sports' department instead. Here, at least, you are likely to be spoilt for choice:
Like cricket? Bats are always handy and come in a variety of Willow, all of which can yield a satisfyingly good crunch against a zombie. If not, how about some golf? You want something with length and heft, though, so forget a putter, go for a really good driver.
And don't forget the bag.
So, loaded up as you are with a variety of sporting equipment, tins of otherwise unwanted creamed corn and/or dead rats and ketchup, get back to the apartment.
Tip 5 – Holding out
Once you are sealed up inside your apartment, you are probably starting to feel a little smug and pleased with yourself. After all, you are a lone survivor of a zombie apocalypse. You have had the forethought to obtain your supplies and are now safely ensconced in your snug, little world, sealed against the ravening creatures of the night, having obviously checked all the rooms before you walled up the doors and windows...
You did check all the rooms, right?
Everything – except the bathroom? I see...
Can I suggest the golf club?
YOU ARE READING
Surviving planet Earth
ComédieLife's a beach. And just like a beach, we occasionally get stuck in the sand. When that time comes you may want to refer to this book. Alternatively, please feel free to use it as a shovel.
