Surviving planet Earth

Surviving the car

Roads are terrifying places to be. Imagine trying to explain the concept to someone who has, say, lived their entire life in a walled-up cave in Kathmandu.

'OK. So what you've basically got is this stuff we call "Tarmacadam" which is stuff we drag out of the ground to put on the ground..."

'Really? How strange! Why not just leave it in the ground, then?'

'Well, it's obviously not doing anything useful in the ground, is it? We need a good solid surface for our cars to run along.'

'What is this concept of "Cars" of which you speak?'

'Ah, right, you're going to love this! The C -A -R, is a big metal box with wheels, all of which is made from stuff we drag out of the ground, and is powered by burning other stuff we drag out of the ground. Neat, huh?'

'Uhm, yes, I suppose. And what do you use this metal box on wheels for?'

'Oh, it's for getting around really, really fast.'

'How fast?'

'Well, you see that gazelle running away from that cheetah over there? Faster than that.'

'You are hunted by cheetahs?'

'No, of course not! We modern humans just have busy lives and don't have time to walk everywhere.'

'How do you all fit into one metal box, then?'

'That would be silly, wouldn't it? No, we've got billions of them!'

'Billions of metal boxes, all going very fast...Isn't that a bit dangerous?'

'No! well, maybe a tiny bit...'

If you have ever broken down on the side of a very busy highway or motorway, you will probably have noticed the unrelenting screaming noise of thousands of vehicles. Each and every one of them is heavy and every single one is controlled by a person (apart from the self-driving ones, that is, and we will come back to these shortly.

People are easily distracted. Our busy lives are marred by constant interactions, from twiddling numerous switches and dials, to phone calls and screaming kids. That's all very well when you are safely at home, but put these elements into a metal box on wheels that is going MUCH faster than a gazelle on steroids, and you have a rather dangerous mix.

Of course, you can't know how many of the other vehicles that come your way are being driven sedately by an ex-schoolteacher or by a caffeine frenzied dad of six who is late for an appointment and is simultaneously trying to make a phone call, change the radio station and sip yet more coffee. We are blithely and warmly insulated from the potential for instant death by a couple of millimetres of metal and glass. It's a kind of suspension of disbelief.

So how do you try to ensure that today's car journey won't end, at best, with your face coming into contact with the steering wheel, or at worst, a journey home in small bag?

Move to Micronesia!

Yes, apparently they have one of the safest, if not THE safest roads in the world. I would like to say this is because they have outstanding drivers who are careful, courteous and polite, but it is actually because they don't have as many cars on the road per-capita as the rest of the world.

You could also try relocating your family to the Arctic. Your chances of being involved in a road traffic collision will be, at best, slim, but the downside is that you do have a moderately high risk of being eaten by a polar bear.

However, if your budget and/or lifestyle won't stretch to moving to another continent to be safe from cars, consider these other tips:

Tip One – Don't walk on the Highway/ motorway.

This may seem obvious, but you may be surprised to hear how many people don't heed this advice and end up regretting their decision to stroll unconcernedly across 4 lanes of traffic.

Just don't do it. OK?

Tip Two – Don't get into a car – EVER.

Sure, I know what you're going to say, "How the heck can I get around if I don't use my car?"

Look, I know you have a busy lifestyle and everything, but have you considered the possibilities that walking can offer? You have the health benefits, obviously, but you will save thousands on car repairs, insurance and fuel! Yes, I know that shopping will be a tad tricky, and trudging through the rain/snow/sleet won't be fun, but you will have reduced the likelihood of a car wreck by many factors!

If you don't fancy walking, you could invest in a bike/ horse/ Llama or other pack animal.

Tip three – Drive a Chieftain tank to work.

If you must drive, go for something robust, that's what I say, and at 55 tons these babies will ensure that anyone stupid enough to drive into you will regret the encounter, although very briefly.

You will have sufficient space on board for all your shopping, plus they come with the added comfort of knowing you have a L11A5 120 mm rifled gun and TWO L7 Machine Guns attached, always handy when it comes to disagreements over parking spaces. They may be a bit expensive and cause comment and dismay as you trundle down to the pub, but your street cred will skyrocket!

Tip Four – Buy a self-driving car.

OK, you may still be crashed into by a lunatic driver, but at you can at least blame the car and not your driving skills.

Finally, you could take the more drastic measure of inventing a time machine, go back to 1885 and try to convince Karl Benz that there is absolutely no future in motor cars, that it'll never catch on and that he should just give it up as a really bad idea.

Could be worth a try.