Surviving planet Earth

Surviving Librarians

The words 'survival' and 'library' shouldn't really belong in the same sentence. After all, you are hardly likely to be menaced by a tweed-suited elderly person in the "Large Print" aisle or even to read something that will upset you sensibilities in the highly sanitized world of what your library has deemed fit and safe for your viewing pleasure. However, there is something that stalks the darkened stacks of tomes. Something terrifying; a creature whose existence revolves solely around making your time there as demoralising as possible.

I am speaking now not about the institutions themselves, but their denizens - the LIBRARIAN.

The late Sir Terry Pratchett invented an amazing place called the Discworld and in many of his books the library of Unseen University played a central part. Inside this place, the books warped time and space around them leading to many pitfalls for the students of magic who dared enter It was said that parties of students who ventured too far into the stacks sometimes returned with tales of meeting lost tribes or encountering fierce creatures... or sometimes didn't actually return.

Modern day libraries are similarly hazardous places to be and although it is unlikely you will end up in the Nth dimension, you could sometimes be forgiven for thinking that you had.

The library of Unseen University only employs one member of staff, simply called The Librarian. Formerly human, he was accidentally turned into an orang-utan early in the series and has since made the endless stacks of bookshelves his home.

The Librarian is affable, helpful, and clever and can easily locate any particular book a student desires - and this is from a primate whose only vice is the occasional beer.

So why can't real librarians do the same thing (be helpful, I mean, not drink beer)? Because if you are intrepid enough to actually step foot inside one of these buildings, are lucky enough to find one open and have made it past the toddlers swinging from the shelves, you will inevitably end up having to deal with the human version of The Librarian.

Now, tread carefully and don't make any sudden moves, just present your card to the unsmiling countenance and wait patiently. This is what happened to me recently:

ME: 'Hello, could I use the library computer please?'

LIBRARIAN: 'Yes, may I see your card?'

I handed over my ID card, feeling like a wartime freedom fighter behind enemy lines where the question is barked at you: 'Vere are your papers!'

The SS officer (sorry, I mean librarian) took my card, peered at my signature thereon and then back at me a few times, as if able to link my appearance to said signature. Apparently satisfied, they swiped it mercilessly into their computer and typed an apparently endless password (or something) into the keyboard. I continued to stand there, heart beating, waiting for the inevitable 'Your papers are not in order!' and then being frogmarched off to an uncertain fate via Clinkerhoffen jail.

The librarian scanned the screen. Her eyes narrowed and she looked at me.

LIBRARIAN: 'A computer, is it?' She asked.

ME: 'Yes please – just for half an hour.'

LIBRARIAN: 'I see.' She tapped a few more keys, possibly summoning assistance.

LIBRARIAN: 'Oh. Oh dear...'

ME: 'Is something wrong?' I looked around furtively, awaiting the sound of a Luger being cocked.

LIBRARIAN: 'You have outstanding fines,' she said loudly enough for the whole room to hear.

ME: 'Oh, really? I'm sorry, I didn't know...'