My Incompetent Life

Three: Family

I look up in the sky and wonder if my family ever thought of the same things I did

Do they ever wondered why am I here? If I am suffering? If I am doing fine?, Just If ever?

I have this place in my heart that already torn apart

I am in the phase of my life I wanna start my own family but.... BUT

I am still tied in responsibilities and paying back goodwill

Do we really need to devote our life paying back? or we just need to prove that they did make the right choice in life because we already is succesful?

I really don't understand how a family works.

or Is that my family is just to complicated for me?

I have a lot of questions that no one can ever answer other than myself

Seeking my own purpose in life and also seeking that right passion I have or once have

When I am still studying I always cry at my room thinking if ever I have a chance to me again

the old me

the person who knows what she likes

the person who is devoted to something

the person that is pure

the person who knows how to dream

the person that is smiling even she is tired

That person is me like when I am 11 years old

That person just left with the time 

That person was replaced by the ideal selves of my family

I lived as if I am not me, rather I lived as if I am a clone to continue whatever they wished happened to their life

I wonder if after all this can I comeback and realize?

realize what I want?

How long should I wait? How long should I hold on? How long should I prove myself?

How long should I sacrifice myself for my family to feel proud?

I wondered if I am living my life or the're life?

Am I doing this right? Am I supposed to do this?

Can somebody atleast tell me what should I do?

I am locked in myown little box 'cause I don't want them to feel I am selfish

BUT

They already think I am

Is all this worth it?

Why?

Why should I?

My mom? I hope you ever realize that this is really frustrating and it is drowning me

my dad? I hope you could comeback so mom wouldn't suffer all this alone

My siblings? They already suffered enough

So maybe I should hang in there

maybe I should be holding on

I should on to myself..

Aside from myself there is no one I can hold everyone's arms have more than enough pressure hanging on them

My burdens should be my only motivation to move on with life

and take this adventure 

Adventure that comes with pain and struggle but also learnings.