Vanderwood x Reader

Honesty Hour

It wasn't at all like Vanderwood enjoyed sounding like a broken record, over and over again talking about the same topic in hopes of eventually getting through to that stubborn little shit he had to keep an eye on.
He also didn't do it to annoy the hacker. Honestly, he had better things to do in what little free-time he actually had.
Maybe, if he really wanted him to understand his reasoning and why he was so insistent on everything, it was time to be upfront and talk about his own experiences. As much as he hated to do that.

Letting out a sigh, he walked up to where Seven was hunched over on the ground, working on what looked like some robot animal. He figured it was best not to ask, for now.
"I'm only gonna talk about this once, so you better listen carefully."
No reaction. Not even a single sound that let him know his presence was noticed.

Gritting his teeth, he nudged the younger one with his foot, which at least earned him an irritated grunt. Better than nothing, he figured.
With his arms crossed in front of his chest, Vanderwood sank into the computer chair, head tilted back and gaze nearly locked on the ceiling. Talking about feelings and his past was never easy. If he remembered correctly, this would even be the first time he actively talked about it. But if it could possibly prevent the other one from having to go through the same things... He'd suck it up and pull through. Because as much as he complained about Seven and cursed him out for his antics, he also cared about him.

"Look, I know you're sick about me constantly bringing this topic back up. And trust me, I'm also sick of it. But I do it for a good reason, alright?"
There must've been something in the way he said it, that actually made the redhead stop his work on the robot and look up at him.
But Vanderwood kept quiet for now, trying to sort through his own thoughts, fighting against the urge to just say "Nevermind" and leave it at that.
As uncomfortable as it was, it seemed necessary.

He ran a hand through his hair, took a deep breath, then another one.
"I don't nag all the time because I think it's fun. Fuck, I could think of better things to spent my time with", he added with a weak laugh. "It's just that I know exactly what it's like to lose someone close to you."
And that's when he caught his entire attention. Good.

"I was stupid enough to think that I'd manage to keep her safe. That no one would ever find out about her. How could they? I'm an agent, I learned how to keep things a secret. I was selfish enough to put her life on the line."
Seven was straight up staring at the brunette now, absolutely not used to seeing him that openly vulnerable. And while he was curious, he also dreaded the answer he'd get.
"Is she still alive?"

The raw pain and grief in his eyes was enough to let him know that it wasn't the case. Vanderwood closed his eyes for a moment, obviously trying his hardest to keep his emotions in check. But she had always been his weak spot... Alive or not.
"No... I still don't know exactly how they found her. But people I managed to piss off during a mission got their hands on her and made shameless use of the fact that she was the only important person in my life."

Finally, he looked down at Seven, lips pressed into a thin line. It's been years at that point and yet only thinking about it still hurt like it had the first day.
"They nearly tortured her, right in front of my eyes, just to see me suffer. Hell, I was ready to throw the entire agency under the bus, if that meant I could get her out of there. I told them as much, begged them to let her go, telling them she had nothing to do with it. Do you think they took any mercy? Oh no. They kept on hurting her until she passed out. And when she eventually gained consciousness again? They shot her."

Vanderwood had to take yet another deep breath, one that was slightly shaky and he rubbed his eyes angrily. Meanwhile Seven was uncharacteristically quiet. No witty remarks, no attempt to change the topic into whatever direction, like he'd usually done.
"I was right there, Seven. She was right in front of me, maybe 3 meters away, and I couldn't do jack shit to save her... And this isn't only about people going after us for what we've done to them. The agency wouldn't hesitate to get rid of anyone we're only slightly close to, if they ever find out. And when you think you're good at keeping secrets? Think again."

Out of sheer habit, whenever he felt overwhelmed, he curled a hand into the front of his coat. It was the only item of her that he'd had left. As much as he had wanted to keep something of her. A picture, anything... He couldn't. But the coat? It was his and he always made sure to keep it in a good condition, since it was a present from her. The only thing still making him feel close to her, in some way.
"Do you like it?"
"It's... nice. But why the leopard print lining?"
"I don't know...", she murmured and stepped closer to adjust the collar a bit, her eyes filled with adoration. "I saw it, and it somehow made me think of you." Her laugh was one of his most favorite sounds.
"Mhm... In that case, I'll cherish it", Vanderwood promised and earned himself a kiss for the right answer.

"I loved her more than anything in this world, and she's dead because of me."
A heavy silence settled between them for a moment and Seven shifted uncomfortably in his spot on the ground. He was well aware of the fact that Vanderwood talking about something so personal was a huge thing.
"Do you now understand why I'm constantly telling you to keep your distance? It's not because I want to annoy you. If anything, I want to keep you from experiencing the same kind of pain I had to go through. Trust me, it will never stop hurting, no matter how much time passed. Do you get that?"

The hacker nodded and looked down at his hands, that rested in his lap, face in a frown.
"Yeah, I get it... Vanderwood? I'm sorry for your loss."
He only shook his head and pushed himself out of the chair again, straightening his clothes, before he already made his way towards the garage. A cigarette break was more than badly needed after talking about emotions like that. He nearly forgot how draining it could be.
"Just get back to work, brat. Boss is very close to kicking both our asses."

That left Seven alone with his thoughts, staring at the small robot in front of him. Vanderwood had always been that grumpy, strong guy. And seeing his supervisor so broken was new and honestly, kind of scary. But it had in fact made him realize just how serious it all was.
So he had to actually make sure to keep his distance, from now on...