The Dating Disasters of Sirius Black

1

Part One: Marina Gladlock and Something Blue
Late September, fifth-year Gryffindor boys' dormitory, a Sunday afternoon.

Remus Lupin was alone; lying on his bed, on his front and reading as usual, when Sirius burst in. 

'Bloody buggering hell!'

Remus had been pleasantly surprised to find a copy of the complete works of Shakespeare in the library and had decided to spend a lazy, indulgent Sunday afternoon re-reading some of his favourites. 'Much Ado About Nothing' seemed rather apt somehow.

'Fucking bloody fuck!'

He tried valiantly to ignore the interruption.

After a tirade of random swear words had escaped Sirius, he flopped down onto Remus' bed, barging him over with his elbow and asked, 'what ya reading?'

'Shakespeare,' he answered curtly, hoping to put his friend off any conversation.

'Eh?'

'I'm not going to explain who Shakespeare is again.'

Sirius huffed and tossed his hair, looking away and trying to appear disinterested. 'You don't need to, I don't care anyway; he's a soppy girly romance writer.'

Remus looked down at the inches-thick ancient tome in his hands, with it's worn pages dusty with age.

'Right first time,' he conceded with only the barest hint of sarcasm.

'Oh, how can you sit there calmly and read of love when the love life of your most loved friend is fraught with tragedy and pain?' He pretended to swoon back onto the bed.

'Tragedy and pain?' Remus raised his eyebrows but didn't take his eyes off his book. 'Most torturous pain,' Sirius insisted.

'Indeed. I take it you've been dumped again?'

'Not necessarily, and it most certainly wasn't my fault.'

'Really?'

'Really. It was James' fault.'

'I can't think how. What did you do? Call out his name at an inopportune moment?' Remus fixed his friend with an enquiring smile.

Sirius gave him a piercing look for that comment. 'No, he pranked me.'

'Fire crackers in your knickers?'

'No, he--'

'Well, whatever it was I bet you deserved it. That... shall we say, incident last week was appallingly mean, even for your standards.'

'He deserved it! And I can't even begin to imagine what could be horrible enough for him to deserve after this.'

'If you must bother me, please explain quickly, or just leave.'

'You have no compassion. What's the book about anyway?' Sirius asked, changing the subject entirely.
Remus realised it must have been something far worse than usual that James had done to him. 'It's a play.'

'It's awfully thick,' Sirius pointed out peering at it, 'there must be a lot of broken hearts and tragic misunderstandings and unrequited love and all that.'

'Mm.'

'Oh, talk to me, damn you!' Sirius grabbed him by the back of his shoulders and shook him hard so his face smushed into the pages of his book. 'My heart is broken!'

'I reckon it must be something more important than your heart for you to be this upset.' Remus found that the old book didn't taste at all nice. He lifted his head.