The Dating Disasters of Sirius Black

4

Part Four: Elvira McAdam and some matchmaking that is both sick and wrong
Early December, Gryffindor fifth-year boys' dormitory, early evening

'Sigh!'

Sirius Black swooned onto his bed.

Remus narrowed his eyes. No-one says the word 'sigh', he thought, either you sigh, or you don't.

'I said, ahhhhhh!' Sirius insisted, the back of his palm swept dramatically across his brow.

'I know. And I didn't care.'

'Remus, you have to care; I'm in love!'

No you aren't, thought Remus. The only time Sirius Black used the word 'love' and actually meant it was when he was describing food or expressing his feelings about a prank they were about to play on Severus Snape.

'Are we talking about food or Snape?'

'Snivellus? I'm not bloody in love with him! How could anyone fall in love with a big slimy ball of pus and snot like him?'

'So we're talking about food?'

'No, we're are talking about the new object of my affections.'

'Who is the poor sod?'

'There is no 'poor' about it; she is one lucky young lady, to have caused such deep and lasting damage to my aching heart.'

'One lucky lady with a very sharp stick, which is exactly what I need right now.'

'What?'

'I meant that what I need right now is a really sharp stick to poke you with.'

'Kinky.'

'Shut up.'

'Anyway, would you like to come and see her?'

'No.'

~

Somehow Remus found himself sitting on the window-ledge of a first-floor window, peering out across the school grounds.

'Her there, can you see her?' Sirius said.

'The blond one?' Remus assumed.

'No, the other one.' Sirius was pointing to a slim girl with short brown hair. There seemed to be nothing exceptional about her; she was wearing school robes, and a cloak and scarf, and had one leg stretched out on the grass and was playing with her thick woolly sock. Her blond friend was laughing and playing with her own hair. Remus peered closer at the first girl because there was something familiar about her.

'Oh, no, Sirius!'

'What?'

'You don't actually want to go out with her, do you?'

'Oh yes.'

'Well you can't, do you know who she is?'

'Not really.'

'That's Elvira McAdam.'

'So?'

'The very same Elvira McAdam that, not long ago, I had to profusely apologise to for removing her memory after the Halloween ball.'

'Oh did you? I never thought of that.'

'She's friends with Bellatrix.'

'Yes... she is.'

'Oh, you bastard, this is all to piss Bella off?'

'Just imagine how annoyed she'll be when I seduce one of her darling, goody-goody, pure-blood friends away from her before returning her broken-hearted and with a mind poisoned entirely against her friend...'