In The Grand Scheme

I'm Sorry

      It's nearly 10:00 pm before Mackaela wakes up looking around she sees the razor no more than a foot away from her, suddenly realizing her mother could've walked at any moment and known exactly what she was doing, quickly she grabs the razor and throws it back into the jar and immediately checks her phone remembering that she had gotten a text that saved her before she had passed out. Placing her thumb on her phone she unlocks it, she promptly taps on the contact of the person who had texted her, calling them without a second thought the phone begins to ring, pressed firmly against her ear. A voice comes over the other end "M-mackaela are you alright?", the boy asks worryingly, "Mackaela say something", he says, mackaela responds,"I'm here I'm fine but I-i wouldn't have been if it wasn't thanks to you", the boy asks, "what do you wouldn't have been, this isn't how you talk are you sure your fine", he pauses,"did you relapse", he says in a calming tone,"no Alex that's exactly what I'm trying to tell you", "you saved me, you texted me right as I was gonna do it and it snapped me out of it," Mackaela announces.

      Alex asks, "are you gonna be safe", she responds, "I promise to try my best,", "thank you", he says sincerely, "thank you", she repeats as she hangs up, "thank you", she whispers to herself, slowly spreading herself out on her bed to get comfortable. Birds chirp softly outside the closed window, rustling in the trees as window wisps past the low hanging branches gently tapping on the thin glass pane, Mackaela reaches over and grips her phone unlocking it and begins fidgeting with the apps on her homescreen in no particular order, tapping almost incoherently onto a music program, "I guess I should clean my room, I don't really wanna be yelled at again", she mumbles to herself as she scrolls thro her playlist selecting the one third from the bottom, "haven't listened to these in a while", thinks Mackaela as she places earbuds into her ears, she begins cleaning begrudgingly picking the dirty clothes up off the floor throwing them into a nearby clothes basket, by 1:00 she looks around proud commenting, "well I can actually see the floor," as she slowly slumps onto the ground noticing a cigarette near dresser, she quickly runs over and grabs it, placing it gently into her lips and reaches for a lighter flicking the wheel and moving the flame to the top of the cigarette, "ahh I needed this," she thinks quietly.

      As she finishes the last hit of the cigarette she stands slowly, walking to the mirror slightly lifting the bottom of her shirt, "look at me I'm so fat why do I have to look like this?," she thinks, "I hate my body it's so gross," she continues out loud as she subtly pinches her stomach, thoughts begin to fill her head thoughts of disgust and anger thoughts of hate and sadness, "why can't I just be pretty like everyone else," she thinks, "why can't I just be happy," her body begins to quiver as she lays on the floor rocking back in forth, "I hate myself I just wanna be normal," she mumbles quietly to herself as she reaches up frantically for the jar of razors, unintentionally knocking them onto the floor she leans over and grabs one, fumbling with it in shaky hands she eventually places the blade against her thigh, looking over at her phone she says almost inaudibly, "I'm sorry," as she run the blade swiftly across her bare flesh blood slowly rising from the wound she winces and continues with another cut the same as the last slicing her leg in a manner that left it covered in blood, as she completes the final cut she wipes her leg with an old shirt and pulls a pair of dirty sweatpants on, stumbling over to her bed she reaches for her phone grips it tightly and collapses.

      When she awakes she immediately checks her phone to see if he had texted her, she looks |seven missed calls| all from Alex, she begins to think, "I don't know what to tell him, I promised him I wouldn't," as she gets up slowly walking out of her room, "when was the last time I took a shower," she thinks, as she walks into the bathroom, "was it last week,", "I don't know I'll just take one," she reaches down meticulously sliding her pants down her wounded legs, sliding her fingers along her cuts,"was it worth it," she mutters, as she grips the bottom of her shirt pulling the bottom up quickly over her thin figure, as she finishes removing her shirt she slowly turns to the mirror, "god I'm so gross," remarks Mackaela, as she runs her hands gently along her body, her face begins contorting in disgust, as she steps into the shower turning the faucet handles gently to start the water. Water starts with a trickle then begins to flow down covering Mackaela's entire body with water she leans her head back to wet her hair, and lathers it with soap, steam filling the bathroom, after a thorough shower she steps out wrapping a towel tightly around her body, tucking the excess into the back to hold it up, she saunters back to her room.

      After drying her body off she wraps her leg with a bandage and gets dressed, looking over at the scatter razors she stands up quickly and picks them up placing the jar back where it was, grabbing her phone and texting Alex, |I'm sorry...|sent,|I broke my promise|sent, she throws herself back wrapping a blanket tightly around her and curling up. "What now, I guess I just wait," she thinks, as she finishes the thought she hears a tone come from her phone, looking at it she reads,|don't be sorry I'm the one who should be sorry I wasn't there to help|sent from Alex, tears begin to run down Mackaela's face as she starts typing in a response.