The Thoughts of a Madman

Entry 5.

People say to love yourself
To cherish life of those around you
And that of your own as well
But what if
You can't
You can't stand the face you see in the mirror
You can't stand the own look in your eyes
You can't hear nothing but your voices saying the same hateful words over and over again
Monster
Freak
Fat
Worthless
Disgusting
Devil
Garbage
Scum
Sick
All of that just over and over again
And you do whatever it takes to drown the noise
Pick up that bottle
Watch that video
Focus on work
Listen to those songs
All in a vain hope to drown out the voices
And on the rare occasion you feel content with what you see in the mirror
They come back, the voices filled with hate ridiculing you for thinking that any part of your worthless soul is acceptable
What is a man to do when his own mind turns against him
When he's scared of himself
When he's terrified to look himself in the eye when they have that look on them
He's constantly wondering what people can ever see in him when he remember his eyes and the monster inside them
The freak of nature that is him
A stain on this world that doesn't deserve the life given to him
There is no love capable of reaching him
Of breaking the walls that he himself put around himself
Ever terrified of hearing anyone but his own self saying those hateful words about himself
Any and all love that comes his way is a foreign concept to him and feels weird
Unnatural to him
He can't comprehend it
And is scared of it
Terrified of it cause he can't understand why
Why him
Why this freak
This monster
Ever do to deserve someone's love
It is a sad and rather lonely existence this man lives
Ever wondering
Ever wishing to be free
To be happy