I'm here too

In and out of love {TW}

I used to fall in love with the thought of loving myself

I used to think that... I could fall in love with myself.

That I could love myself for who I was and for the way i looked 

If I did I thought that someone else might too

But instead I begin to fall in love with the thought of being skinny

I fell in love with the thought of having a gap between my legs formally called "tight gap"

I fell in love with the thought of evaporating and becoming so thin until my clothes where night gowns that i used to wear going to bed as child.

Because over the years I learned no one loves the fat girl.

It used to be don't eat to much or slow down your gonna choke, now it's you don't eat like you used too or why a trip to the bathroom after every meal?

I used to be able to be fine being in the cold right up until I stood outside to long to watch the snow fall. Now i'm always cold and when the moment I step outside i shake so bad my teeth chatter like skeleton's walking on concrete and I can't stay warm.

I'm in to deep to stop and too scared to get help, god this is a curse!

I'm so caught on the idea of being skinny that I'm proud of myself when I don't eat and I'm obsessed with the way cold water fills my empty stomach. 

I heard a girl once say "If you aren't recovering your are dying." I guess we never realize until it's too late.