Falling in love

Feelings

Lando having a breakdown cause I cope through this fic :)

The evening ended up not being too bad. Arthur insisted on them teaming up for the rest of the games as well. Lando didn't say anything, because first of all he was just too shy for that and second of all he enjoyed Arthurs presence even though he wasn't actually there. Lando enjoyed talking to him. Well, it was mostly Arthur talking but he didn't seem to mind and Lando definitely did not mind. He found Arthurs accent extremely cute and every time the younger one laughed he was getting a warm and fuzzy feeling in his stomach.

Anyway they ended up exchanging numbers after that or rather Arthur sent him his number, but Lando hasn’t brought up the courage to actually text him yet. It has been four days now and he was back home from his show already, which means he basically didn't even have an Excuse anymore. He was going to spend the week with his family and then eventually go back home just to wash some clothes and get ready for his next show two days after. He never knew wether or not to be sad or happy the season was over. It was always so stressful but so much fun at the same time. Sighing he got up because he knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep again anytime soon, Arthur's laugh living rent free in his head.

He took his phone with him and then went downstairs to pour himself some milk.

“Lando, why are you up this early? You normally sleep at least 'til 9 am if you don't have a show.”, shrugging he turned to look at his mum. “Couldn't sleep anymore.” With a worried expression on her face his mother came over to him and laid his arms around him to pull him into a hug. Lando immediately closed his eyes and breathed in his mothers scent while also laying his arms around her waist. Without knowing it that was exactly what he had needed. With a shaking voice he began to speak.

“I'm so confused, mum. I … There's this boy I met and … I was over at Alex' a week ago or so and we played games with a few of his and George's friends from F1 and I don't know. I had to team up with Arthur and his laugh made me feel so safe and I don't know what to do mum. I don't even know why I'm so scared of texting him … I … It's just….” “Shh, breathe baby.” Just as his mother said he took a deep breath and tried to calm down a bit again. He didn't even mean to ramble but his mother was always the first one he talked to and he just needed to let this out. Having bottled up his feelings until he couldn't keep them in anymore.

Taking his face into her hands his mother looked him in the eyes with so much love Lando wanted to break down into her arms all over again. “Listen to me Lando, it's going to be okay, yeah? Everything will be alright baby. You do whatever you feel comfortable with. And now let's sit down and you tell me more about this Arthur alright.”

He eventually ended up going to bed again after the talk with his mother. However, sleeping still wasn´t an option. Sighing he took his phone and searched for Arthurs contact. Hovering over the keys with his fingers for a second he started overthinking again.

Hi, It´s Lando. From Alex and George. Sorry for not texting you earlier.

Before he could delete the message again he turned off his phone and decided to take a shower. Grabbing a pair of fresh Boxers, sweatpants and a hoodie Lando walked off to the bathroom. After he took off his sleep wear, he eventually got into the shower. The warm water that was running over his skin was at least temporary calming him down. That was until the image of Arthurs face popped up in his head again. His smile, his accent, his laugh and just Arthur.

Lando didn't even notice the first tear, he only ever registered that he was actually crying when his body began to shake despite the temperature of his shower. Wrapping his arms around himself Lando tried to get rid of the lonely, confused, hurt feeling inside of him. He wasn't even sure what he was actually feeling or what emotion was more prominent than the others. At this point he was just letting out all the feelings he had stored inside of him, had pushed away to back of his mind that he felt like he couldn't talk about because they were just so silly.

Lando hated that feeling. Sometimes he couldn't even decide. He wasn't numb but he couldn't quite describe what he was feeling either. He knew his mom would listen to his problems, as would George and Alex, but he didn't want to bother them and really there were people that were suffering way more than him. He knew his feelings were still valid but sometimes he just couldn't process that.

After he had successfully calmed down again he stepped out of the shower. Standing In front of the mirror he looked himself in the eyes. Right now standing there like this he didn’t know who he was anymore. He didn't recognize himself anymore. His eyes were emotionless, there was no smile on his face, his inner child completely gone and sometimes he really questioned where it went. He thought back to when him truly being lighthearted was a daily occurrence, when he used to be so happy and didn't know how crucial and toxic this world actually was.

Functioning. That was what he was doing these past months, but no one had noticed. Lando wasn't mad at anyone though, because that was exactly what he wanted. He didn't want people to be worried about him. And that was why he hid his broken self behind a faked smile and giggles.

When he got down fully dressed again, he was back to being the happy smiling son and brother he always was because that's what them happy right. In silence he listened to his father and brother arguing over some football players, his youngest sister and mom laughing at a joke Flo made and just ate his breakfast.