you were always there for me (until you weren't)

i've learned to live without you (i still need you)

It's been years since you've been living in separate cities as her. In fact, on completely different sides of the country. It was supposed to be easy, and at first it was. Seeing her was few and far in between, with primary contact being meme sharing mostly from your side.

Of course there are the rare 3am "I miss you" and "I love you" texts she sends you. All the drunk texting where she says she wants your attention. And you know she's so far gone, but she still holds a piece of your heart even more so due to the physical distance. You can't help but reply quickly, much quicker than she'd ever reply to you. (She's always been a terrible texter.)

And so naturally, it comes in the third year of being "away" from her. In the dark of the night which is lit up by the city lights of your new apartment. It's in unnatural silence of the usually natural hustle and bustle and darkened rooms with faint streaks of artificial light slipping past the edges of the blinds. That feeling.

She's not your only best friend but her absence makes your heart hurt a little more than everyone else's. It's the way you miss her tight hugs and reverent hands. She makes you feel human in the best of ways.

It's not that you don't have friends in your new city... it's more like the years of history and presence haven't collected into a comfortable intimacy yet. Not like her.

Of course you miss her... but you're not sure if you miss her or the comfortable feeling with a person more. You're human too, but it's always going to be difficult to fulfil that part of your needs.

The first year, you're so caught up in the living. You're all alone with new responsibilities and so much to do, most things slip your mind. It doesn't escape your attention that it seems it's usually you who needs her more of course. You've always been easier to replace.

It's scarce texts and tagging that makes the bond survive half a year until you head back home and see her as much as you can. Where she can touch you as much as she can before you have to leave again. It repeats for the latter half of the year and you get summer break to be just you and her as it has been for the better part of your teens.

The second year is a complicated one. Things happen in the world that brings you back home for nine out of twelve months and you see her much more often. She asks for a kiss again within this time. Bored posture, soft eyes and pouty mouth.

You see her so much more often that you could almost forget the disastrous first year away. She gets jealous when you spend time with others despite spending the most time with her. Somehow this makes you feel good despite knowing her feelings regarding it are as fickle as the attention one gives to a passing feather in the breeze. Noticeable and always vaguely fascinating, but brief nonetheless.

Before you leave for the third time for a long time, again she holds you close and hard for so long people are giving you funny looks at her clutching your butt. It still stirs something in your chest that people might think you're 'together' in the way your heart might've wished many years ago.

You wouldn't deserve her anyway. (Is it really love if you can see the flaws and get irritated and sad but accept it?)

Before you part you make many jokes about not letting go. But in the end she cries. You try not to let her see and let your natural defence mechanism of humour to bring a smile to her lips as you both get into your respective cars and drive in opposite directions.

But the third year is different. It feels different too. This time she's insistent that you FaceTime each other instead of texting (you've gotten her to acknowledge what a lousy texter she is).

This time you tag and send things to each other much more often, in fact sometimes she is the one to overwhelm you. It's incessant. It makes you think about how despite your feelings, she's always the one to say she misses you. It comes easy for her, you think. She's never had to hold in her feelings. Never wanted to probably. But you miss her more than words can express. You miss her with every tear drop that streams down your face at 2am, alone in bed.

This time it's you that has their attention elsewhere that you're too busy to FaceTime her despite her telling you when she's free and extremely wanting.

I'll pick up FaceTime. Always. I promise. She tells you. This time, you believe her.

It's days since you never called her and you're wondering if now is a good time because it's suddenly hit you how much you miss her. You'll call her soon probably, but she's a busy woman now. In the twilight hours for you, but acceptable night time for her. The hours separating you never felt this intense before.

It's in the grey shades of your room, feeling no purpose with your lack of schedule and solitary time barring a few video calls with some other friends than her that you're feeling it again. It's simultaneously acute and dull, a slow build yet hard hitting.

You want her holding you again like she's terrified you're going to disappear forever if she lets go. It's almost funny how that's how it looks in most pictures with your best friends. They're always clutching at you like you're going to vanish. But again, you tell yourself... no one really needs you. It's always easier to convince yourself of that when you're feeling alone despite being surrounded by people.

You want her. But now, it's almost in the most innocent way possible. At least, you think so. At the very least, something's missing.