you were always there for me (until you weren't)

things went wrong (i still went to the beach with you)

Before you had to leave for your third year away from her... a lot happened the day before both of you were supposed to go to the beach and then you both also had to reschedule for the next day because she had a migraine due to the ridiculously hot weather the city had been having. It just ended up being the fuel to a fire that had been simmering and flaring often over the years. But that's a novel for another time.

You got there half an hour late but she was understanding. She thought you were sad but you just told her you were tired, and that's the truth. You were just so tired with so many things.

Maybe things are different now or maybe you were just so distracted by the problems of the day before you were telling her about. We were lying on our towels on our fronts and you barely blinked when she hugged you from behind and kissed your shoulder. She was so upset for you but you weren't crying and your voice wasn't trembling at all, you had done all that the day before. Maybe you were repressing things, but you hadn't started your usual jokes about traumatic things yet.

You saw her trying not to cry when you were telling her everything. There were tears in her eyes but either you kept looking away and she wiped them away or she just never let them fall. She wasn't wearing her glasses and she's kinda blind without them, but you're sure the tears made it blurry.

So maybe distance and time do help, but maybe you were just distracted because you remember a few months ago your stomach still did funny things when she asked you to kiss her when you got bored studying. You just rolled my your and panicked a little, but complied. It's always been a bit difficult to say no to her.

You were so distracted by trying to tell her the whole, long story you even forgot to put sunscreen on your front (also some unfortunate burns in some areas) which you're regretting right now as your chest flares red and burns a little. You're hoping it doesn't peel.

She was upset with you for trying to look at the situation in all perspectives and even though you appreciate that she has your back (not just because she's your friend as she insists), defending the person hurting you hurt her too.

You got up and noticed the veins in your feet were prominent. You made a comment about it and she pointed out the veins in your hands were popping out a lot and said she thought veins being displayed like that is really hot. You think you were amused for a second and tucked that information away but it didn't make you freak out like it would've years ago. For a second you thought she was implying your hands were attractive to her. Only for a second.

Things got lighter after that, you both were exchanging tea and having fun. You didn't end up bringing it up but she told you a 'secret' you weren't supposed to tell anyone because she wasn't sure the person wanted the knowledge to be out but one of her best friends got a girlfriend and had finally told her recently.

You thought this was hilarious - her telling you like it's a huge secret when a month ago (maybe) the friend had changed her Facebook profile picture to her and another girl with the caption 'gal pals x'. You made fun of her for not understanding the situation (or at least suspecting) and the term gal pals.

Maybe you were too knowledgable or maybe it's the history you've tried to get her to forget but eventually, she brought up the fact that you were basically in love with a female celebrity in high school almost jokingly but you think she was prodding because you had told her you think it's ridiculous she didn't notice even a hint of these things.

She never insinuated anything other than that and maybe she's learned from the first time. The truth is you think you could never tell her for valid reasons.

You didn't tell her anything, just like you didn't say anything when she basically asked you point-blank when you were teenagers. But then again, you were basically yelling it from a 50 story building back then.

You ended up telling her about how before you met her, at your private all-girls Catholic high school, the girls used to whisper and talk shit about other girls they thought were gay. It's a far cry from the society we're surrounded by now, so many people around us are queer. You think one girl transferred - she either had no friends because of the whispers of being, God forbid, lesbian or had whispers of being lesbian due to her not having friends.

Eventually, she bought lunch at the restaurant by the beach and splurged so much even with the discount you got. You both ordered way too much and left some food left. You were glad to see her wanting to eat for once. She told you she had been eating more and actually gaining some weight - even gyming. You were so proud.

Before you both got in your cars to leave, she hugged you so tight you thought your ribs were going to crack. She told you she already misses you because you both knew you were hopping on a flight soon away from her again, but she wanted to drag you out clubbing with her. You're not sure if that's the best idea but it's one you want to entertain.

The weird push and pull is back. It's to a different rhythm, but you're still left with a busy head. It doesn't help when a friend or two have been recently vocally sceptical about your insistence that you're over it and you're just best friends now.

You thought everything had been resolved but there is some residual... something. The truth was you really thought you were - you still think you are. Maybe you're always going to feel something for her but you've moved on... maybe moving on? You don't think about her every day anymore and that's gotta count for something. You're not even sure what you'd do if she suddenly decided she wanted to really be with you, you're not even sure you'd want it anymore. You want her, but you've gotta figure out in what capacity.

You're not really sure what you're feeling but you're genuinely happy that she's happy with him - he's a good and nice guy that you for once approve of (you remember how she was so excited when she started dating him, telling you for once you would like the guy - you don't think you ever disliked all her previous boyfriends or boy toys because of your feelings, they were genuinely not good enough for her and you're sure at least she acknowledges that).

Some time during your day together you called her 'honey' and she called you 'babe', which for you both isn't unusual. But what she probably didn't know is that it had always made your insides flurry like it was hosting a private snow storm. On this occasion, it did make something rock about inside, but again you can't be sure what exactly it is. You're more at ease with her now - whether it can be attributed to the time, distance or maturing you're still not sure. So either it's because it's her or it's just the term of endearment and the idea of being called that by someone you care about.

A lot of things have changed now you're both basically all grown up, but you're no less confused now than you were when you were 16 - just for different reasons.