you were always there for me (until you weren't)

when they found out (i was exhausted i think)

It happens in your last year of high school at the end of the school day. It's physics class - you hate physics class but for some reason you keep doing it (who are you kidding, you know exactly why you're doing it despite how you feel about it).

It's surprising it took this long for it to come out considering how generally open you are as a person. You don't blink an eye when spilling or joking about personally sensitive topics. 

Years later, most of the details still stick with you.

There's three of you sitting a few rows from the front on the right, and two more directly behind although one of the two frequently drags a chair around the side to join you. Today, it was just the three of you.

They've been discussing crushes for a while up until then, your entire friend group knows about theirs but you have a sneaking suspicion your secret would be the most shocking of all. Of course, you're right.

It's been weighing on you for a while and you've basically come to terms with how you feel about her. It basically took years of various denials, even through all the confessions given to the aether. 

You've gotten seriously talented at covering it up beneath pretense of other crushes and heteronormativity - plus, obviously, her disposition as a person. However, on this day you still have no idea what possessed you to cave under the pressure that you usually successfully avoid. 

Today, two of your closest friends have turned the spotlight on you.

"Who is your crush?" they ask in various ways. You blush and smile and try to push the attention off you, but they're persistent as best friends always are. You suppose you can be a bit mysterious with a small handful of things, even lying to throw them off the scent. 

At first, you say it's no one. Then eventually you acquiesce and tell them there is indeed someone you like a little more than you should. 

They spout off various names - any and all guys you interact with more than usual. Three names come up the most often, and you think they're basically ridiculous suggestions. They're grasping at straws but they don't even know it. 

The first name is someone that hangs around you and her quite often, forming a relatively well known trio. This suggestion is absolutely ridiculous since his maturity level leaves something to be desired, he's not very attractive to you and you also know he's held a flame for her for a while now.

The second name is one you went on a school tour with that seems to be a popular opinion shared between many people. It's nothing to scoff at, you never tried to dampen the rumours surrounding him and you know he definitely has a thing for you - after all, he's tried pretty hard to be around you and only you multiple times (on and off tour). You do nothing to dissuade him but you don't exactly outright reject him as he hasn't made a big move. He's attractive to you, you admit, but nothing compared to her. 

The third name is also a guy you spent time with on the school tour (albeit in a totally platonic way). He's also the person one of the two questioning you has a crush on. He's not bad on the eyes and his tall, lanky frame are appealing you admit. He's not dissimilar to the second name with his short dark brown hair and bright blue eyes. But he's not the one. 

You could easily have just said yes to any one of those frequently suggested options and stopped the tirade of questions but there's something in you that doesn't want anyone to think you feel something for any one of those names when in reality, you don't. They're all eclipsed very easily (after all years down the track another one of your best friends admits whenever her boyfriend sees her photos on Instagram, she makes him scroll away).