you were always there for me (until you weren't)

touch my butt (you know you want to)

You can't remember when it started exactly, only that it had somehow felt so normalised it must've been a long time. A long time of casual contact on many different places.

It somehow became so ingrained into the friendship, many years later as you're both in your twenties, it's still prominent.

Around friends, in hallways, at lockers, in class, at the train station, during lunch, in the canteen line... the list of butt touching locations is endless.

So you both started touching each other's butts. Granted, due to how you felt about many things such as looking 'straight' and your conservative upbringing and values, she contributed much more to the butt touching than you did.

You always admired how much she didn't give a shit about how she appeared to others, and also maybe that she's so confident in her sexuality that she would openly treat you as if she's your lover. Her confidence gave you confidence.

You often got self conscious about how casually she touched you inappropriately in public, especially when you could see how others would look at you and her - the bewilderment sometimes. But no one really made waves about it, as everyone really knew she was the kind of casual affectionate person and for all everyone knows you were - are - the best of friends.

In truth, she kinda terrifies you. She terrifies you because she makes you feel these things you wish you didn't, makes you confront a truth about yourself you desperately want to ignore, but most of all, she makes you scared of a future without her... a future without the comfortability you've managed to build over years.

And therein lies the truth. You are a bit of a mess of a person and it's taken you this long to be this comfortable with a person, granted it's a little bit more than just casual comfortability. It's a little on the inappropriate side. But that's how you both like it right?

You know her. And you know yourself. And that's the problem.

She worshiped your (admittedly small and flat) ass, as you sorta secretly worshipped her as a person (but also worshipped her really nice butt).

What more could you want? She's beautiful, tall, fit, incredibly intelligent, makes you feel more comfortable in searching for casual human contact than anyone ever has, as witty as you and laughs at all of your jokes.

Cue the jokes about being an ass girl and not boob girl.

This is the girl who's so gorgeous that your friend admits she makes sure her boyfriend scrolls past her pictures to prevent him from looking at it. Sorta makes you proud in some way, like, yeah look at me and her we're best friends.

And another problem is revealed, the ethics of it all. You enjoy it a little bit too much. Is it wrong? The question has plagued you for so long and to help assuage your feelings you usually only reciprocate and let her initiate and partake more than yourself.

After all, that makes it less suspicious on your behalf right? There's this incredibly self assured bow-in-hair, straight girl doing questionable things with her best friend, therefore you both could only be straight. And if you maybe played it up in reciprocation and let people think otherwise? It wouldn't matter.

Although it made you nervous holding her hands while so many people were milling about. Even as she slapped your ass yet again.

So yeah, you touch her ass and she touches yours. Neither can remember how it started, only that you're one hundred percent sure it had something to do with her ass in some white jeans you saw when you both young teens as you were climbing down the stairs behind her.

(Who knows, maybe that's where your love of a nice ass came from?)

You remember saying "wow your ass looks so good in those [white] jeans" and about how her name on Snapchat to this day reads 'White Jeans' with some inappropriate emojis after it. You both laughed about it at the time, but you're sure that she's forgotten the significance of it as like most things, it means more to you than to her.