escape

XI: choosing myself

"Can I hear your voice one last time?" Jennie asked as she was trying to catch her breath in between her sobs. Life is really mean. She thought. 

"One last time, okay?" 

"Ok"

The brunette hurriedly grabbed her earphones and for some reason she thought that this was one of those moments where you're happy and sad both at the same time. Her phone started ringing as the screen turned brighter than before. With no hesitation, the brunette answered the call. 

Silence. 

Silence was the only thing that she heard at that moment. It wasn't that familiar and comforting silence anymore. It was suffocating, aggravating, and sucking your energy out. Words can't come close to how she felt. It was beyond painful. 

How painful was it you ask? is laying down on the floor while clutching your chest in the middle of gasping for breath enough to explain it? I don't think so. It is so easy to put it in words. How it felt. How many times the brunette cried. How many times she muttered simple favors to make it go away. It is honestly easy. Jennie can grab a dictionary or search up on the internet for the most profound set of vocabularies to describe it, but she bets that nothing will still come close to it. 

"So you don't love me anymore?" 

The more that all Jennie could hear was Lisa's unstable breathing, the more that she felt like she was trapped. Her mind and body is begging her to get out, but her heart just wont budge. 

"I don't. I don't feel like i'm growing with you anymore. I'm sorry." 

"T-that's it? In a span of two months, you were able to let go of that almost four year old relationship?"

"Yes. I'm sorry." 

"Y-you don't want to give it a try one more time? We can work this out Lisa--"

"Jennie stop. Are you even hearing what you're saying? Are you not even feeling sorry for yourself?" 

As soon as Lisa reprimanded her, Jennie's mind just went blank. That just hit too close to home. Telling her that she already moved on after two months, sure. But asking her if she's not even sorry for herself? It was too much. 

The brunette felt her world crumbling. She felt stupid and felt like a loser for not being able to move at a faster pace. One morning she's waking up to continuous reminders of forever, and then one day--she just left. Silence continued to dominate the phone call, and all that brunette could think was if she really is such a loser. For not even being sorry for herself, despite being a wreck and a mess. The brunette who just sounds so pathetic while begging for her ex-lover to come back.

But is it really that pathetic? to know what you want? Is it really pathetic for someone to know what they want and fight for it? Is it really stupid for someone to fight for what makes her happy? Is choosing to fight for someone different from choosing yourself? If yes, how so? Because the brunette thinks otherwise. She believes that choosing to make things work with someone is just like choosing yourself. Because everytime you allow yourself to be happy and be completely vulnerable, you pick yourself to display not only the bravest versions of you but also the weakest. She feels like a lot of people mistake the line 'I am choosing myself today' a lot of times.

I mean, aren't you practically choosing yourself when you allow yourself to be happy? Choosing yourself isn't always literally picking yourself. Though there is nothing wrong with that, Jennie believes that there is also nothing wrong with picking to be with someone and claiming it as choosing yourself. 

That is why with a clear and stern voice, Jennie replied, "No, Lisa. I don't feel sorry for myself because no matter how this ends up," 

Hold those tears Jennie. She thought.

"I know that in a few years as I look back, I didn't make the wrong decision because every choice I made for you and us was always rooted on the idea of choosing myself."  

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i feel like u guys are going to get more one shots bc i've been in a bad place the past few months and writing is the only thing that helps me get through it. this one shot sucks but whatever i had to let it out :") gnight. happy valentine's day people.