The protector

Paganini (M)

The weekend later, Jeong Hyeok felt to have had time enough to think and process. To face the guilt he was feeling for a woman, as much as the desire for the other one. And he wasn't thinking to a physical one: it was the desire to be happy once in life. Because the man had forgotten the last time he had been happy.

The desire to not say no to a bite of bliss just because of his duties.

He had spent years in an agonizing yearning and, during the last two, he hadn't been able to keep into his body more than few spoons of white rice. And now he was exhausted.

Was it fair toward Se-ri to meet, even if only as a friend, the woman with whom he had had what the strangers called "a one night stand"? No. He wasn't that naive. Yet, the desire was too big.

And again, not the physical desire. That one, he was sure, only had been caused by the beer, and probably by the sadness to see her so defeat. What was moving him was the desire to spend his time with someone who knew exactly how he was feeling, and made him feel comfortable with himself, who was making him laugh, reflect, think, discuss, and laugh again.

With her, he could be completely himself without pretending that everything was good. Because she knew. And she was his friend in spite what he was now. And at the same time, her being different – because she was different, different, different from anyone and everything he had ever known – was making him different too.

Haven't had a dream in a long time

See, the life I've had

Can make a good man bad

So for once in my life

Let me get what I want

Lord knows, it would be the first time

(Please, please, let me get what I want. The Smiths)

Jeong Hyeok didn't try to lie to himself. He knew that this would have turned to be useful for Her too. The better he felt, the more he would have been able to be a support for Her, and not a burden. Because yes, he knew he had been a burden for Her.

Though, it wasn't because of Her. It was for himself. There was a deeply human side of him which simply was tired to go home every night and fight against the images of Her while trying to get pregnant. While sleeping with another man. Living with another man. Saved by another man. The images that every night his mind screened to crucify itself.

This opportunity to stop the torture for a while... he wanted to catch it. He wanted to discuss about literature instead of trying to read alone at home while the images tormented him.

He wanted to play pop music and listen to the people singing around him, instead of trying to play alone while the images brought to his mind only the compositions of a lacerated soul.

He wanted to hear again himself making questions and speaking freely as she was teaching him to do, and not only the sounds of his own voice, screaming alone in the darkness of his apartment against himself, the nights when only the screams stopped the voices in his head.

Once in life, it was his turn to be light and happy.

There was just one thing...

"Ani. Bed, or nothing" Jeong Hyeok smiled on her nose, the beer providing him all the brave – a lot – he needed to express that longing.

"My bedroom is my sanctuary! No one is allowed"

"Chair is too little."

"I have a big couch!"