Shattered

Chapter 43

If life were fair, how much would change?

My 22nd birthday isn't a day I can recall very clearly. For the most part, it's a hazy memory, clouded by the emotions of rage, desperation, and guilt. What began as Chandler trying to do something to make me happy ended up as quite the opposite, which I know he realized and possibly felt at fault for it. At first, I didn't hold it against him, but in the end, he is the one who put me in this situation. None of it, and I mean none of it would've happened if he left me alone to live my own damn life.

However, I couldn't bring myself to start any fights against him. Knowing Lucas was out to make me miserable at any chance he got, I had to keep Chandler on my side since he's the only one who holds any kind of power over that rotten man. For Nakoa's sake as well, I didn't want to make everyone miserable. She's happy I'm here, and I don't want to leave her with bad memories, like she doesn't have enough as it is.

I have to admit, being away from New York left me on edge. The advantage of time wasn't on my side, and with every passing moment, I was closer to losing my window of opportunity. Often, the plan would manifest in my thoughts, and while almost everything was laid out and planned for me, I still had my part to complete. Get into the locked cabinet and find a way to inconspicuously get him to ingest sleeping pills. Even in theory, it hardly sounded possible.

If I manage to pull this off, I'll consider myself superhuman.

I say that because I have a strong belief that I won't succeed, and even worse, that I'll get caught in the middle of it. Who knows what Chandler would do to me then? What he would do to Stella and what he would tell Soren. I still didn't have the slightest clue about the man's persona, other than that he wasn't fond of large gatherings. Perhaps he's as cruel as Lucas, maybe even worse. Maybe his relationship isn't even like that with Nyx and my speculation has been nothing but wrong. There's no way of knowing and only one way of finding out, which I wished would never come to fruition.

"Do you ever wonder what our future looks like?

Startled by her soft voice after we had sat in silence for so long, I turned my attention away from the dog that laid by my feet, not knowing which of the two she was, and looked at Nakoa, who sat at the opposite end of the couch.

"Not really, I mean, I've thought about it, but I choose to ignore it," I shrugged. "I guess I just don't want to face reality." As we've learned, facing reality is something I find difficult.

"I think about it sometimes, more often than I'd like. It never seems very happy in my head, and it's something I'm too scared to ask Lucas about." She looked at me with a melancholy gleam in her eyes, the light reflecting off her dark brown irises.

I frowned, relating to her spoken thoughts.

"What makes you scared to bring it up with him?" I asked, as if I wouldn't be scared to ask that man anything, even for something as minor as a glass of water.

"I'm scared it'll give him ideas of rushing things. What if he wants to get married, or have kids?" She shuddered through her words, words that I had similar thoughts to before. "It's probably not something I could discuss with Chandler either," I added.

We trailed off-topic, letting awkward pauses hang in the air. She didn't ask why I ran off earlier, and I didn't ask why her eyes were rimmed with red, or why she winced every time she shifted her position. I was afraid that if she asked, I'd reveal to her all I wanted to keep hidden, in turn causing her more pain. Perhaps I also wanted to shield myself from guilt.

The other dog, the one I noticed had a missing tip of her ear, walked from the kitchen and plotted herself by one of the glass doors, shutting her eyes as the golden sunrays warmed her fur.