Shattered

Chapter 30

Thank you for all your kind words on my last update. I read each and every one of them, all of them bringing a smile to my face.

...

Facing reality is something I find difficult.

Especially when I know I did something that should have never happened. Laying there, never wanting to open my eyes, I wanted to stay in a false reality. I wanted to believe that everything I had been through was just a nightmare, nothing more than my imagination. Last night wasn't nightmarish enough to be included, but I wished with my whole heart that it didn't turn into what I remembered. I wanted to wake up alone and open my eyes to blue sheets; to my small bedroom in my own apartment. Over there, it all belongs to me, no one else.

I was hardly awake and all I could think about was last night. It was a blurry memory with just enough visibility to remember the worst parts. Slowly, I moved my head off the warm chest beside me, turning to face the other side when Chandler's arm across my back loosened. The heavy gaze I felt kept me from opening my eyes, desperate to avoid the consequences of my drunken choices for as long as possible.

Chandler's right arm, which was now draped over my front, shifted as he gently pulled me closer to him, the movement causing his hand to run over my chest. Whether the movement was subconscious or not, I didn't like the feeling of it. Clearly, drunk Jess didn't mind, she was embracing every damn moment.

That bitch.

She betrayed me without a second thought, I couldn't believe it. I felt the attraction to Chandler many times before, but never once did I plan to act on it, only if it would bring me to my freedom.

"Please tell me I dreamed all that." Without opening my eyes, I spoke, already knowing the answer. Chandler lifted his hand, softly pushing my hair from my forehead, letting his touch linger. "I wish you would've slept longer," he quietly commented, shifting his body again.

"No, it was not a dream."

Fuck me.

Never mind, I take that back, definitely the worst word choice I could pick. When I need it to work properly the most, my brain chooses to fail me and simply become a mush of stupidity and bad choices. Truly, there's days where I wish I could sink into a hole of nothingness and pretend I didn't say what I said, even if it was all in my head. Embarrassment from thoughts is definitely a real thing, I swear.

"Truth or drink was the worst idea you've ever had," he stated as he pulled the blanket higher, over my shoulders. God, I really hope nothing was showing while I slept. I surprised myself at how I didn't panic at the realization that I was, in fact, not clothed.

"I'd take it back if I could," I commented. Nothing about it all would help me. It helped my sex drive, that's about it, so now I can never do that again. Funny thing how you can be so deprived of genuine human touch that you are happy with the touch of the person you hate the most, only because your body needed it.

"I probably would too."

That wasn't a response I really expected... Honestly, I thought he would gloat about it and never let me hear the end of it. With a heavy sigh, weighted by countless thoughts, I opened my eyes, letting the bright light flood my vision. The sun was well off into the sky, so it must have been past morning.

"We were both drunk." I spoke without directing it at him, simply speaking the words, as if trying to assure myself that nothing was unfair. He asked, and I said yes. This was not rape, nothing similar to what Nakoa went through. This couldn't even come close to her experience. I have no right to be upset at anyone except myself... right?