Shattered

Chapter 49

Late update, but 4.3k words, so you can't be mad.

I was never destined for a happy ending.

Bittersweet.

That's how I would describe my life, or at least, how I would describe my present life. While the past me would have looked at it as a miserable and hellish mess, something I needed to get myself out of, I had grown to find happiness, although it wasn't constant. Certain factors made it impossible for me to even fathom leaving again. There were people who made it worth living, and after a certain amount of time, I had to move past trying to fight it, and when I finally did, I was able to find peace within myself. Granted, I still had my bad days.

Jess of the past, this Jess, saw this day as horrible, and yes, in the moment it was, but it prepared me for future events, in a way. Like I had said before, things were set in motion after Nakoa's escape. She would see the results before I did, but we would end up in similar predicaments, although I would argue that mine might have ended up just slightly worse than hers. In time, you'll understand what I mean.

With the most earnest honesty within me, I can entirely claim that in the end, we were both the stupid one.

Nakoa would agree.

That dreary night I was faced with the possibility of pregnancy, every thought I had before dissipated, and my mind centered in on that one thought. Gone were the thoughts of anger and revenge, of escaping and pursuing my plan. For that night, defeat was all I could feel. It was a strange numbness, something I couldn't quite describe. The animosity I felt for Chandler and the anxiety he caused both became fleeting emotions for that night, melting away from my heart as I struggled to comprehend the steps my life seemed to be moving toward.

It was frightening.

My stomach still ached terribly, although now I had ditched the nausea, which was just as painful to get rid of. My head pulsated with every heavy breath I took, the result of a panic attack caught in my chest, suppressed but yearning to engulf me in an embrace of absolute terror. The world spun every few minutes, my vision going blurry and then returning to normal repeatedly.

I stood under the steaming downpour of water, staring at the tiles beneath my feet, allowing droplets to glide across my cheeks and down my nose, over my jaw and to the point of my chin, falling with the rest of the liquid I had enshrouded myself in. My hair clung to my back and shoulders, now a deeper shade of red because of the saturation. Limply, my arms hung at my sides, grazing my thighs, water falling from my fingertips in the same way it did on my face.

Several long and silent minutes passed, my body becoming stiffer with every one of them. If someone asked, I wouldn't be able to say how long exactly it had been, I wasn't keeping track to begin with, but I know it would be more than I needed to take a regular shower. To describe my inner feelings would be unfathomable, so simply put, I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. I entered such a state of shock that it felt like the world had stopped, never to continue again.

Truthfully, I didn't want it to continue.

The funniest part of it all is that I had a higher chance of not being pregnant. I didn't know what was happening within my body, this was all speculation. Of course, there was the possibility, and that seemed to be all my mind could focus on. Rationality be damned, I could no longer control myself. Peace, I craved peace, but the universe gave me chaos and said do something with it.

My gaze turned down to my stomach in wonder, imagining if inside, I actually could be creating a living being, a child. I could hardly take care of myself, having a baby might just send me over the edge to insanity. How am I supposed to leave if half of Chandler is growing inside of me? Raising our kid alone, with all my scars and mental hardships, it didn't seem feasible. Never could I burden dad or Avery, it would be me alone. I couldn't provide enough for a baby, and to bring it into this world only to suffer would be cruel. Maybe, just maybe, if pregnancy were the case, I would be better off here.