Little Star // a Steve Rogers, Captain America, Avengers story

We Shared One Kiss And Then I Died

"So, do you want me to tell you what I got from reading you earlier, or was that just a ploy to get me naked?"

Ellie and Steve were in his bed, spooning in the dark.

"Yes, of course I want to know. I did like you being naked, though."

"I like you naked, too. We should be naked together often." She smiled, then took a serious tone as she said, "I got a lot tonight, but not much new. Stronger, maybe, clearer, but not new.

"It's all conflict with you. Duty versus desire, wholesome versus dirty. I think you want to be an Avenger but also a good partner to me. You enjoy our intimacy but a part of you thinks it's immoral. I think you want me on the team as much as Tony but you're afraid of the danger.

"And there's something else that I just can't put my finger on. Guilt, maybe, and it has something to do with me, but I don't know what. You're very quiet. I wonder what you're thinking?"

"You frighten me. No, that's not what I mean. Your powers frighten me. That you can get inside my head. I don't like saying this, but we need to talk about protecting the people around you from unsolicited reading."

"But..."

He put a finger across her lips. "No, please let me finish. I know that you would never purposefully intrude on someone's thoughts or feelings. That's simply not in your character. But it might make people uncomfortable. We'll address it with Tony and it will be ok. I promise."

"And I know you'll always keep your promises to me."

"As for the content of your reading, it's all true. I want... I need... to be an upstanding man. It's part of me, Steve Rogers, and it's also integral to Captain America. I must be beyond reproach or I'm no longer an effective Avenger.

"So maybe I need to embrace what being beyond reproach means in the 21st century. I believe that our relationship, even the... sex... is wholesome, something I wouldn't have felt in the past. I'm changing, and it's good, but it's not easy.

"I want you on the team. Professionally speaking, you would be an asset unlike any other. But I love you and I want to protect you. Being an Avenger is dangerous and it can break your body, your heart, and your soul.

"You and I have never talked about this, but I think most of us considered just giving up after the Snap. We had gone through so much, given so much, and just when we thought we had the upper hand, it all fell apart." He paused before asking, "Did you see anyone go, Ellie?"

"Yes." she paused before continuing, "my family. We were at the breakfast table and my family disintegrated before my eyes. Suddenly I was screaming, crying, I thought I would go insane. Or kill myself then and there with Dad's shotgun.

"Then our neighbor's ten-year-old child came, in hysterics, to the back door. I had to help him. From that moment I never looked back. I got my school counseling credentials and went to work. But you, you saw hundreds, thousands, didn't you?"

"Yes. Friends, complete strangers, enemies. And like you, I felt like I should just go with them. And like you, I did what was needed to help those who were still here. We're a lot alike, you know. I think that's why I felt a connection to you right away. Well, that and those amazing blue eyes in that beautiful face."

"You're making me blush. I am curious, though, can you shed any light on the last part of my reading? The guilt?"

"I can. Before I went in the ice I had formed a... romantic attachment to a woman I met in the Army, Peggy Carter. She was intelligent, brave, and beautiful. I was in love with her, and I think she was in love with me. We shared one kiss. And then I died. Well, she thought I was dead.

"She had a long, full life, without me. That used to make me sad, and angry. I knew her in this century as well. I was a pallbearer at her funeral. Sometimes I imagine the life we might have had. And then we heard whispers about technology that might someday be able to send me back, so I could stay off that plane and go home to her instead of into the ice. I thought long and hard about using it if it were really out there.

"But that would mean the happy life she lived never would have been. The children who loved her never would have been. It just doesn't seem right to tamper with that. And then I met you, and I understood the difference between being in love and loving. Going back never crossed my mind again.

"I think the guilt might come from knowing that what I felt for Peggy paled in comparison to what I feel for you. From finally letting her go."

Steve had been slowly stoking Ellie's hair as he spoke, but now he stopped and ran his knuckles along her cheek, where he felt dampness. "You're very quiet, and you're crying. You're sad and I'm worried."

"I'm not sad, I'm moved. I saw Peggy's name with yours in some old newspaper articles I read, but I had no idea of your relationship. I'm sorry that she lost you, and that when you came out of the ice you had missed almost all her life. And I understand why you feel that guilt. I think that will subside with time. You know in your heart that neither of you is at fault."

"I'm glad I asked you to read me. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"I love you so much, Ellie."

"That's the best thing I've heard all day."

"It's been a long one. We should sleep."

"Yes..."

Suddenly Ellie sat straight up in bed, startling Steve, and said in a raised voice, "Wait – you guys might have found a TIME MACHINE???"