tommyinnit angst oneshots | by wilburfoot_

where did i go wrong?

yo what's poppin nerds, welcome to my oneshot book :D. i suppose i am an author now so yes yes epic. anyways enjoy the story, i don't really know what else to say. also i promise, this isn't gonna suck, i genuinely love writing and i don't want it to be bad. i love writing and will work hard on each chapter. :] i can't say that i will have a regular or consistent upload schedule so bear with me here.

content/trigger warning: depressed thoughts/depression, self harm/talks of self harm 

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tommy laid down on his bed and sighed. he couldn't figure out where he went wrong. or why.

it was like a switch had gone off, forcing his mind to slowly deteriorate itself. the beginning of the year had been alright. he had already felt a bit off mentally but he was sure it was nothing.

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covid-19 struck like wildfire. the whole country went on lockdown, forcing tommy to be alone with his thoughts all day. it wasn't normal, it wasn't healthy. tommy was an introvert, very contrary to what he had led his twitch and youtube audience to believe. he was alright at socializing but needed to be alone often for him to mentally recharge. the lockdown made it mandatory for him to be with his family all the time now, and it was awful.

don't misunderstand though, tommy loved his parents and dogs more than anything. but his mental state was in complete disorder from never getting any alone time. he would often just sit and think to himself, letting his thoughts carry him to dark places that no child should ever be able to reach.

tommy could feel himself slowly decline over the course of the year. he started to lose motivation for anything. he couldn't tidy his room, it was pointless anyways. he lost interest in playing the piano, where would that get him? he couldn't even put on proper clothing, he spent his days lounging around in sweatpants. his eating habits were all over the place, some days he didn't eat at all, and the days he would eat it was all unhealthy and had no real pattern.

tommy knew he was becoming depressed, but little thoughts in his head would tell him things like,

you're faking it for attention.

are you really depressed? or are you over exaggerating?

you're just sad. you aren't depressed, you're not important.

you don't really feel that way, you're lying to yourself. 

this is all some ploy to make yourself feel important. you're a liar.

tommy was terrible at expressing his feelings outwardly. he rarely even cried anymore, and even if he wanted to he couldn't. he felt so many emotions but he just couldn't outwardly expose them to people. what was wrong with him?

tommy couldn't put any energy into friendships anymore. eventually all of tommy's friends had left him, because who would want to hang out with him? only freddie, eryn, and his friend tubbo stuck around, even then tommy could feel himself grow distant from them. tommy was closest to tubbo and loved him more than anything in the world (please don't come after me, this is so obviously platonic) but he was sometimes afraid that tubbo would leave him too. tommy feared that the only reason tubbo was still sticking around was because tubbo had just discovered something that tommy wished he never found out about.

tommy had gotten so depressed that he harmed himself to cope.

tommy really couldn't figure out why he did it, to be honest. maybe he was trying to prove to himself that he really was depressed? an physical act of emotion rather than verbal. it's how he coped with his bottled up emotions. tommy honestly even enjoyed doing it. it helped him prove to himself that he really wasn't lying. the tiny thoughts in his head would tell him otherwise and drive him to self harm again just so tommy could prove to himself that he really was depressed and that his feelings were true.

tommy would take little blades such as his razorblade and would gently let it dance along his wrist. sometimes when he felt especially determined to prove something to himself, or even just when he just felt awful and sad, he would take a knife and cut little slits onto his arm. it became a secret addiction that only he knew about. the little thoughts would drive tommy insane and eventually it became second nature to harm himself.

tubbo found out by accident. tommy and tubbo were on a discord call together only a few nights ago and tommy had felt an itch on his nose. when he went up to scratch it, his sleeve of his hoodie fell down and revealed what he had been doing to himself. it was totally cliche, but unfortunately it was the bitter reality and truth.

tubbo had looked on in shock and horror at the sight. tommy looked at tubbo's expression on his screen and realized what had happened. 

tubbo had found out.

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tommy regained himself and sat up on his bed, reliving the experience. tommy had quickly realized what had happened and in a panicked rush he had left the discord call. tommy couldn't face tubbo after what tubbo had seen. the last thing tommy had seen before he ended the call was tubbo's wide eyes and tears brimming in them.

tommy stood up and walked over to his mirror that hung on his wall. he stared at himself, taking in every inch and bit of his body. he stared down at his scabbed up arm and couldn't understand why he was the way he was.

tommy realized something in that moment.

he needed help.

badly.

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yooo! so that was my first oneshot! i wrote this at like 1am so it probably sucks but idrc lol.

i can't promise when i'll be updating, my mental health is in shambles so i lose motivation pretty quickly.

comment any ideas/plots here, i might do them if i like it :]

word count: 1034 words

edit: oh gosh i don't love this one but i suppose i'll leave it up.