Beyond Human: Queen's Shadow Series

07.) Will and Determination

~~~Apollos

April 21, 1953

Punishment and control, are the only things I can think about. It is one of the few things that I think about now, she could make me do all of those things. She could make me strike them down, turn me into some kind of monster. They are important to me and I love them, but she will make it so that I suffer. I still can't get past what she did, I can't get past how she could have made me kill them all. I haven't felt sorrow ever since I truly killed Hans, the last burst of it I left me.  Though I learned it may be my mind mimicking it when Lilith was talking about my father. I felt sorrow when I killed Hans because I knew what he took from me. I felt so free I was content with my victory that I didn't realize tears were streaming down my face when I passed out.

It was also after that that I realized I got more power. I felt myself wanting more, more power something that I didn't think I would want more. This hunger was almost too consuming, but I could deal with it especially since it made me want to be stronger. I learned so many things as a vampire, I learned that the experience for every human is a little bit different. I learned that our senses are in overdrive trying to look at everything. It is only after a few hours that they begin to subside. Few of us can see auras, but over a few years, you can see them that's how my siblings knew I had potential.

I also learned how to measure that aura. We all have a conscience field. You can detect how strong a vampire is just by looking at it, most vampires have an aura. Our aura can measure how strong we are but it is not completely accurate to what we know. I can see Lucian's aura and it was orange, it also showed his one thousand years. I looked at mine in the mirror and I could see it was different. Mine's about seven hundred years old even though I was only one for a year.

My aura was a dark blue, I was told it was almost always calm. I had a somber Aura representing age. Some of the older vampires had that. Although one color I haven't seen was Orm's, hers was green a vast and beautiful green. Her Aura was so relaxing, I heard that it can shift though. It can turn from that beautiful green to a large and all-encompassing gray storm. It's then that I hear a knock on the door. I stopped looking at the mirror to go see who it is. "Lu?" I say in a concerned voice, he looks at me and says 'how long has it been since you've had a decent fight?'

Did I set myself up for failure? I take time to finish stretching while I keep asking myself that question. I've been training every day to kill Hans and I stopped doing it in the real world. "Listen if you have any problems you can easily talk to a therapist." He turns to me and his eyes turn from blue to gold as he says: 'this is therapy.' Something was on his mind like something was on my mind. This is the only way he and I know how to communicate with each other. I enjoy it though I enjoy sparring with my brother, especially now that we can fight on somewhat equal footing. He is stronger than me, but I always give him a run for his money.

As we both finish stretching it's oh, I feel excited. There were other reasons I stopped sparring with him, not just because I killed Hans. No, it was something entirely different, it was because I knew the gap was closing between us and I knew the more of me and him fought the more would be apparent. He could see that I was closer in age, but he could also see that I was holding back a lot of my potential. The unnatural inhibitors that were put on me are slowly being removed. It is taking longer than expected but I will overcome them.

The truth of the matter is my Inhibitors are to protect my family more than anything. If they saw that I was well into my thousands they would truly start to analyze my abilities. They wouldn't know that I'm stronger than I let on. How long can I keep that a secret? I age faster than vampires, I also gained abilities to win. If they knew when I gave up to obtain this power they would look at me differently. My sorrow died when I woke up from that hospital bed. All of the emotions I felt after that were all just my brain compensating. I sold everything to win.