Principle 1: Begin with praise and sincere appreciation.
“Tilly, you’re a hard worker and a great team player.”
Uh oh.
“Your contributions to this company are greatly appreciated and have been of great value to us.”
I know where this is going.
“We admire your potential and envision a bright future in store for you.”
My God, even his eyes are glazing over.
“However, we don’t anticipate any further progress in our company for you.”
Translation: We can’t afford you.
“We hope you take this ending as an opportunity to explore new, more lucrative opportunities for yourself.”
We don’t give two fucks about what happens to you.
“If there is anything I can do for you, just let me know.”
I don’t give a fuck about what happens to you.
“Okay. Why am I being fired?”
Bruce sighed, running a hand through his blue-streaked hair.
“Look, Tilly, we both know you aren’t happy here, so down the road you’ll be glad.”
“Who decides if I’m happy or not? Cut the crap, Bruce. Why am I being fired?”
“We’ve decided we need to make a change.”
“Now that really clears it up.”
“Tilly, do you want the honest answer?”
“Why else would I ask? Yes!”
“You aren’t…You just-”
He sighed.
“What is it?”
He straightened and looked me squarely in the eye.
“You aren’t hip enough.”
Well, there’s a pick-up for a lonely night.
YOU ARE READING
How to Win Friends and Influence People
MizahTILLY NOONSTONE IS CONFUSED. What is the point of probability with tree diagrams or bacon-wrapped hot dogs if one child dies of malaria every minute? What is the point of judging a girl who asks for extra pickles on her naked hamburger if baseball p...
