I'm Not Crying

Ten-years-old and already faking my emotions. It's not the first time I've done it, acted like I'm sad when I'm not. Pretending to cry because I thought that was the proper reaction, thought that if I didn't cry, then something was wrong with me, that I was cold-hearted, or I had no emotions, no empathy. That people would look at me differently, treat me differently. This was the case when my parents told my brother and I that they were getting divorced.

I woke up that morning with the blinding sun shining in my eyes. My mom was near the curtains, telling me she and dad have something to talk about with us. My stomach dropped, and I got nauseous; I got this sickening, sinking feeling inside me. I asked her if they were getting divorced; she didn't say anything and just walked out of my bedroom door. I got up quickly after that, meeting in my parent's bedroom, my brother already there. I sat down on their bed, terrified for the words to come out of their mouths. I looked at my dad, who was sitting in a chair across from me, he had tears running down his face, and his eyes were bloodshot red; this was the first time I'd ever seen him cry, and it petrified me.

We all sat there for a minute, all of us just sitting in the dense air that surrounded us until my dad broke the silence, his words cutting through the air like sharpened knives slicing through a piece of meat.

"We're getting a divorce," he said,

We all just sat there, taking in the dreaded words.

My brother decided to make a joke then, my parents laughed. I didn't; I just sat there for a minute. I continued to think, wondering what to do. So I did the only thing I knew how to, I yelled, I screamed, and I cried.  The entire day was filled with yells, heart-wrenching sobs, and silence—thick, uncomfortable air settling all around the house.

It was only later that night when everyone was in bed, did I let my real emotions show that I stopped trying to convince myself that the way I was acting was how I truly felt. Because I wasn't sad, I wasn't heartbroken. It was all an act of a ten-year-old girl who wasn't crying.