Just Hold A Smile

Wisconsin, 1997

It had taken me and An just over thirteen hours to get over the border, taking us from Minnesota to Wisconsin. We were near LaCrosse, so literally, just over the border. What should have been only a two-hour trip turned into a thirteen hour one since neither of us owned a car. Picking up rides from strangers made things a little faster, but I was not moving at the pace I wanted to move to get where we were going.

Which we still hadn't decided on. We were wanderers without a destination.

More often than not, I wondered what we were doing. I knew An thought the same thing. We were sixteen. This was insane for us to be doing. And we had made it so much farther than I had ever thought we would. We weren't even in our home state anymore. We were hours away from home.

"Sam, what the hell are we doing?" An asked as we sat on the curb of a street. "It's going to be winter soon. We're two broke kids and we're putting ourselves into way too much danger. We're taking rides from potential serial killers!"

"We haven't died yet."

"That's not my point, Sam! This is insane! My mom and dad are probably so worried about me!"

I thought about revoking An's status as a force of chaos. Didn't she get that this was the best plan for both of us? The town hated us. An's parents were the only ones who would even care we were missing. An and I were the outcasts. No one cared about the gay boy and the Chinese girl.

By this point, I wouldn't doubt her parents hated me for convincing An to do this with me.

"At least you had people that cared about you!"

"I care about you, Sam! I care about you so goddamn much and you're acting like the entire world is against you! It's one town filled with shitty people; the whole world isn't like that. You can leave when you have the means to, not now when we're both unable to do anything but rely on others!" An ranted.

"Then why did you come?" I asked roughly. She didn't have to follow me. It was her own decision to come with me.

"Damn it, Sam, did you not just hear what I said?" she yelled, getting to her feet. "I fucking care! You're going to get yourself killed, what do you not get about that? Let's just go home. We made it this far. This itself is a big 'fuck you' to everyone. I think this proves that we're not kids willing to put up with other people's bullshit."

Cars passed us. An paced up and down a short length of sidewalk. I stayed on the curb. Yes, this was already a big "fuck you" to everyone in that town, but the moment we went back, things would go back to exactly as they were. That is, if anyone even cared we left town. I knew Johanna and Ramsay didn't give a damn about me.

"It's almost winter, Sam," An said quietly. "What the hell are we going to do when winter comes? It's already getting cold."

An was smarter than me. I knew that. I didn't need her to tell me about the situation we were in.

"Go then," I settled for. An was my rock. I didn't want her to leave, but by staying she was in danger. I didn't want An in danger because of my stupid decisions. If something happened to her, I wouldn't ever be able to forgive myself. She was my best friend.

"What?" She stopped pacing.

"Go home. I'm-I'm not going back. But you can. I won't be upset. Your family loves you and they're probably losing their minds over not being able to find you."

"I'm not leaving you here alone. You don't even know where you're going."

"And when I figure it out, I'll let you know. I'll write to you when I get to where I'm going," I said. "Or I'll call."