𝐟𝐢𝐱 𝐦𝐞✧𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐝𝐝

SIX

─◌✰್
gianna santana.

this has been one of the worst fucking days i've had in so long. i'd almost rather never see my mom than be forced to see her on certain occasions. today she doesn't have work.

suddenly my bathroom door handle started moving, and i heard a key unlock the door. i drank a couple sips from my water bottle and waited for her to start yelling at me. "gianna, are you doing that throwing up shit again?" my mom shouted.

i shook my head and stood up, "no, i'm not. sorry." i started to internally panic a little. she kinda scares me, not even gonna try to lie.

"don't lie to me gianna." she grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the bathroom. "i have never fucking understood why you continue to do this shit when you're already a twig. if anything you need to work on gaining some weight!"

"you don't even care. you never did. i just get handed your responsibilities because you don't care. it'd be nice to have some sort of support!" i fought back.

"all these issues you're experiencing, are self induced. you're making yourself feel this way, so don't even think to blame it on me!"

"how am i making myself feel that way? it's just how my life is, and no one understands it. all my friends don't have anything to worry about, but i'm given grown person responsibilities! i just wanna be able to be a kid sometimes!" i just let the tears fall. she's not going to show any concern either way, so might as well stop fighting it.

"if you wanna be a kid sometimes, then stop creating issues for yourself by being fake depressed and doing weird things like slitting your wrists and shoving your fingers down your throat! simple as that. now get ready. we have places to be." she scolded then walked out of my room, leaving me staring at the wall with tears flowing down.

i don't know, maybe i'm dramatic. i know many people have it worse than me but sometimes it all just gets to me.

i lost all my confidence which led to the multiple eating disorders i've had, but they've also turned into coping mechanisms for a lot of my other problems. so, they're kinda comforting. no one even knows i struggle with them though. besides my mom of course, who found out by catching me throwing up one time.

i still barely eat though, that's what i try to do. unless i'm forced to when i'm with willow or someone who i have to act 'normal' around. she doesn't have the same problems as me so i don't expect her to understand. i don't expect anyone to understand, it'd be nice though i guess.

i'm about to break down and call up jahseh for a plug. he doesn't give a shit so he'll probably just mindlessly find someone that'll sell me xans. if other people use them so religiously, maybe they'll help me too.