secrets - dreamnotfound

8

slight NSFW

tw: rape 

i look down at the hoodie i was wearing. it was massive on me, almost at my knees, i lift my hand up to my face and the sleeve covers my face. it smelt like clay, it made me feel safe and reminded me of happiness. i close my eyes, taking a big breath. my thoughts are filled with clay, how i wanted to hug him, talk with him until the sun rises, run my hands through his hair, call him mine. 

i drifted back into reality and grabbed my backpack and coat. i walked out to see clay staring at his phone. "ok, let's go." clay looked up, a small smile creeped onto his face. i heard him mutter something but couldn't make out what he said. 

we walked to our next lesson, maths. i had maths on my first day so i knew where to sit. as the teacher same in clay stared at her again. all the boys were practically drooling over our teacher, she was young for a teacher but i think she was engaged or married by looking at the ring on finger.

"so, who knows the answer to question 14d?" she said, her voice was soft and she sounded friendly, it was good for making her a teacher. clay raised his arm, hitting against me slightly. i looked down at my book trying to figure out the answer. "um, mr block, do you know the answer?" she looked at clay. "please miss, call me clay." he said in a flirtatious tone. anger bubbled inside me, i wanted him to look at me that way. think of me like that. i sigh as clay runs a hand through his hair. "i think that answer is 6? is that right?" clay said, he placed his pencil in his mouth while still holding it, he was trying to seduce the teacher. it was kind of disgusting but she was probably about 3 years older. 

"um, no clay sorry. that's not quite right. you can stay after class and i'll help you ok? you have a free lesson right?" she was twirling her hair around one of her fingers as she stared at the boy next to me. clay nodded before winking. the class went back to the lesson and no one questioned anything. by the time the lesson was over clay had drew small love hearts all over his maths book. it was really disgusting. i really wanted to be the one he liked. the one he thought about all day. the one he loved.

did i really just think that? no. that would be gay and that's wrong. I'm meant to like girls why do i feel jealous? i shook my head trying to get rid of the thoughts. as i walk to my locker, i was greeted with nicks happy face. "is that clay's hoodie?" he asks. i blush before nodding. "where is clay anyway?" nick looked behind me as if expecting to see him. "oh, the teacher said they were doing work after class." i say, throwing books into my locker. "wait miss Thomson? yeah there not doing work, miss Thomson hooks up with pretty much every male student, wouldn't be surprised if your next. they use it to get their marks higher. its never the same person twice though." 

"what? that's just disgusting." i say before slamming my locker shut followed nick to the library and we both sat down. "yeah, i said i didn't want my marks up so i only got a blow job because she makes us do something or its detention, she could probably get arrested for it but she's a good teacher so we just let her, makes us all happy i guess." nick whispered. 

thoughts i didn't want to think filled my head. of clay in the room with that teacher, sweaty bodies clinging together, muffled moans and panting, the room smelling of sex. it all triggered a memory i wish i had forgotten. 

~~~ (this is the memory)

i had just finished school, it was a normal Wednesday in middle school. i was late for dinner because i had stayed chatting with my friend toby. i took a back ally, i didn't know this would cause me to be even later home. it was dark, only lit by one, dim streetlamp. i could see my breath in the cold air and i tried to walk fast.

suddenly a hand grabbed me by my shoulder from behind. i gasped, turning around to be met by an old man, he looked to be about 30 and was someone i would walk quickly past if i saw on the street. he tightened his grip around my shoulder and pulled me closer, "what's a sweet boy like you doing out here alone?" he whispered in my ear.

i gulped before i was thrown harshly against a wall, a trashcan fell over and rubbish spilt everywhere. a cold hand slid up my body, underneath my shirt. shivers went up my spine but not in pleasure, in fear. 

a/n update: i decided to delete this part as i feel like it was too detailed for having no consent. 

suddenly the man runs away. i never knew where he went. i went home and got told off , told to stay away from gays because they were all like that. scared to ever go out again, in too much pain to move for days. police got involved but the man was never caught. i didn't know it was illegal at the time or i would have screamed for help.

~~~ (end of memory)

the door to the library opened and in walked clay. red face, messy hair, slightly out of breath. "so, what's your mark now?" nick asks, looking up from the laptop he was at. "100. she said i did well, I'm never doing it again though." clay chuckled before sitting next to me. he reeked of sex and it made my stomach churn.

 maybe i was jealous.