secrets - dreamnotfound

10

tw: panic attack

clay had invited me to a picnic on the beach, it was sunset and the light reflected off clay's face perfectly. his eyes sparkling in the sunlight. he took his gaze off the flowing sea and locked eyes with me.

my heart flutters and i stare back at him. he smiles, moving towards me a bit, i edge closer. soon our noses are touching and we can feel each others hot breaths. 

"your cute." clay whispers, a slight dust of pink coating his cheeks. 

"your beautiful" i whisper back. 

we stare into each others eyes for a while in comfortable silence until clay speak again, in a soft, calming voice. "can i kiss you?"

i didn't answer, i just leaned forward, our lips connected and i felt myself melting in his touch. he slid an arm around my waist, deepening the kiss. i held my hands around his neck. his lips were soft and delicate. i felt safe.

it didn't feel wrong, i didn't feel guilty. i knew it was gay but i didn't feel bad.

every worry, every problem, everything i had ever had disappeared. it felt like the world revolved around clay and i. 

clay pulled me by my waist and i feel onto of him giggling, still not breaking the kiss. butterflies filled me and i felt like i could never feel sad again. 

then i woke up. 

it was the most realistic dream i had ever had. i didn't know what to do.

i struggled to breathe, the walls came closer to me and the room shrunk. i brought my knees up to my chest and gripped my hair. i was shaking and trying to gasp for some air to come in my lungs. my hands moved around, grabbing anything i could tightly, my hair, my hoodie, my bedsheets, i even tried grabbing the air.

i let out a cry followed by sobs, i was scared. i heard knocking on my door and ignored it, i couldn't face my parents right now even if i could stand up to open the door. 

my door flung open, i thought it was locked? i saw heather, she ran towards me and pulled me into a hug. i carried on crying but i found something to cling onto now to stop the walls from coming closer. my knuckled turned white as my grasp on heather's shirt tightened.

"george, george. look at me." heather said, worry lacing her voice. i tried to look at her through the tears in my eyes. "what are five things you see?" heather asks, running a hand through my hair. "your shirt, my blanket, my hoodie, my jumper, the door and the floor." i say between deep breathes. 

"good, what are four things you can touch?" heather said in a soft voice. "your hand in my hair, your hand around me, the blanket, my hoodie." i say, trying to forget what had happened a few moments ago.

"3 things you can hear?" she tightened her grip on me. "your voice, the cars outside, my heart." my heart was what i could hear the most, it was thumping loudly and my ears were ringing.

"perfect,  two things you can smell now." i struggled to find two things but ended up doing it anyway, "you and the smell of metal" heather looked over to the bedframe that i failed to make and was scattered across the floor.

"one thing you can taste?" heather asks as she pulls out of the hug and stares up at me. "chicken nuggets, i ate one earlier." 

"do you feel better?" heather asks, i nod.

"do you want to talk about it?" she asks following on from the last question. i shake my head no.

"ok, i'll be downstairs and you can come get me if you need to, maybe call clay." heather says before standing up and walking downstairs.