secrets - dreamnotfound

9

clay and nick were talking and while this was happening clay had managed to place a hand on my inner thigh. i liked it but i knew it was just a joke, he clearly prefers the teacher.

 i lay my arms on the table and then bury my face in them. the hoodie, still smelling like clay, made me feel safe again. i was just stressed, with all this moving thing, with my parents, with suddenly feeling weird about a cute boy, it was all too much at once. 

i feel an arm snake around my shoulder and hug me. i lifter my head to see it was clay, he gives the best hugs. i sit up and he pulls me into a proper hug. i don't know how he knew i needed one but i did. 

i tried my best to ignore the smell coming from him and instead focus on the hug. we pull away and i smile at him, "hey george, got any special lady your bringing to the dance then?" nick says, i laugh a little, "no, i don't even know if i should go."

"dude, your crazy. everyone goes. it's not that good but if you don't go then your just a pussy" clay says, i blush. i knew i shouldn't go, my parents would tell me off, but something about him won't let me say no to anything he asks. "ok, when is it then?" i ask, looking down at my hands that are covered in the material from clay's hoodie. "two days." nick says looking up from his laptop. i nod. 

i look at clay and he's already looking at me. he smiles and reaches for my hand. he takes my hand and holds it tight. lay my head on the table on top of my right hand this time. i feel like crying, i don't know why. am i jealous that clay just fucked a teacher? do i like him?

the three of us sit like this for the rest of the lesson. the bell rings and now its lunch, we all get up slowly and head to the lunch hall. "what? why are so many people here?" nick yells over the loud clanging of cutlery. "dude this is going to take an hour to find a place to sit." nick continued.

"we can all go to MacDonald's?" clay asks. i really don't want to go but yet again i can't say no to clay. "sure." i say, forcing a smile. we all get some money from our lockers and head to the MacDonald's which was a few roads away.

the walk only about two minutes before we arrive at a MacDonald's, the yellow 'M' letting off a little light. we all walk in through the automatic doors and walk to the ordering place. nick makes his order and steps back, signalling for me to order.

"oh no, its ok. i'm not hungry." i say, burying my face in the hoodie sleeve. "george, just get something." clay says from behind me, he sounds angry and like i'm being annoying. i feel bad for making him angry so i order.

"um, please can i have, um 6 chicken nuggets?" the lady behind the counter smiled at me and told me the price, i payed and waited behind nick.

"dude, are you ok? i've never seen you eat." nick asked, turning around to face me as clay ordered his food.

"yeah, i'm just never hungry at school because i ate a big breakfast." i reply, nick nods and turns back to see if his food is ready.

i overhear clay talking to the lady who was taking orders, "did the boy in front of me get food? or did he pay you to not tell me?" i blush, that was something i was going to do but i knew it would just end up worse. how did clay know me so well? we haven't known each other for a week.

one by one our orders get called up and we collect our food in its small, brown, paper bags. we all sit on a bench outside and take out our food. i stare at my nuggets, they didn't look appetising at all. "george, can i talk to you? like away from nick." clay asks. 

i get up following clay to the middle of the carpark. "are you ok? i saw you threw your toast in the bin that day at my house, you never eat." clay's face was full of worry and sadness. i ruined it. i made him sad and now he will never want to be my friend again. i look up at clay and he pulls me into a hug, "i just want to help you." 

those words i had heard before, my mum telling me i shouldn't eat because i won't get any girls if i look like how i do now. "i- um." i wasn't sure how to word it right so i just let words pour out of my mouth, "i can't eat, i just can't. and i'm too fat to eat anyway, and i made you sad earlier so i can't treat myself with food i have to punish myself or i'll do it again." i stopped myself, realising i had said way, way too much. 

i bit my lip, scared for what would happen next, if it was my parents i would have been hit and beaten like there was no tomorrow. i braced myself for the hit but instead i was pulled into a hug. it was a tight hug, it felt safe and meaningful, i never wanted to let go. "george, why didn't you tell me? your not fat what are you talking about? do you want to try eating a little bit? for me." clay still hadn't let go from the hug and i was too close to tears to talk.

i nodded my head as an answer for the last question, i probably wouldn't be able to but i'll try. we both make our way back to the table where nick was. i sit down and clay sits next to me. he takes one of my chicken nuggets and holds it out to me, i take it from his hand and put it on a small napkin, "no, eat it." clay says.

i sigh and pick it up, i bite off a small piece and chew it without swallowing it, "have you eaten it?" clay asks, i shake my head no. clay raises my eyebrows at me as if telling me to eat it. i swallow it slowly, nick is on his phone, texting his friend from another school. 

"did you eat it?" clay asks when i look up at him. i nod a yes. "show me." clay asks, not quite believing me as i always lied about eating food. i open my mouth and stick my tongue out to show that i ate it all. 

clay claps as i close my mouth, "see, you did it! well done." clay almost shouts before pulling me into a tight hug. he pulls away, i smile at him and i see his eyes sparkling, why was he so happy?

i giggle as clay eats his food, nick put his phone down and spoke with us, "so, who are you asking to the dance? both of you. you look stupid if you don't bring a girl" nick seemed so excited about the dance, clay added to what nick was saying "or boy." i looked over at him. 

did he mean that? was he gay? why do i care? he's not gay, he's really nice. "oh, if i see a nice girl i might ask her. what about you?" i reply, facing nick. "better be quick, the good ones go quick. i'm going with my bo- with my friend from another school, we just thought it would be fun to go together, as a joke you know?" nick turned a deep red and i wasn't sure why until clay spoke.

"no no, finish what you were going to say, your boy what?" i looked up at nick, boyfriend? is that what he meant? why was everyone gay? i would get so told of for being with them.

nick hit clay's shoulder to make him shut up. "do you want to come to my house before and after the dance? you can bring whoever your going with." clay asked both of us smiling. i nodded as nick shouted "YEAH!" earning some weird glances from people walking by.

nick started talking about his favourite football team and the conversation drifted. i felt a hand sneak to my thigh and rub small circles. i wanted to move as chills were sent up my body but i sat still, biting my lip to stop any sounds from coming out. 

clay's hand slowly moves up my thigh, about half an inch away from my crotch. when nick looks down at his food clay leans in and whisperers to me, "is this ok?" his voice is raspy and it filled my stomach with butterflies. i nod my head and he continues rubbing the comforting circles on the inside of my leg.

the whole time i couldn't get the idea of  clay fucking our teacher senseless out of my head, a lump grew in my throat. was i jealous? i can't be jealous.

nick and clay finished their food and clay took my book of chicken nuggets and put them in his bag. we all stop up and began the walk back to school. nick was in front and rambling on about how he is failing everything. clay is by my side and i feel a warm hand gently wrap around my hand, locking our fingers together and continuing walking as if nothing happened.

a dark pink came to my cheeks and i tried to hide it. friends do this right? this isn't gay.

we arrived at school and continued the day normally, except there was a hand connected to mine all day.