Rami's Diary

October

October 2

i threw a bit of a 'temper-tantrum' last night. i broke all of my plates and cups. shattered-just like my heart. but the worst part is that i ripped his shirt, the only reminant i had of him. it's gone. i couldn't stand it so i went to his parents' place and told them to give me all of his old t-shirts that he hadn't taken. since zach hadn't told his parents about the break-up, they happily complied and now i have about 10 of his shirts. they're all i wear. does that make me crazy?

October 5

i went out today for some groceries and i saw him. i saw zach, but guess who else i saw? another guy. zach was out having lunch with another guy

October 7

i miss him. i miss his hair-the way it glistens in the sun and falls just perfectly even when he's stressed. i miss his smile-the way it dazzles me like nothing else ever could. i miss his scent-he always smelled like a summer night and a faint hint of laundry detergent. i miss his laugh-the most gorgeous sound known to man kind. i miss the way he felt in my arms. i miss his witty comebacks. i miss waking up to him in the mornings. i miss the way he would attempt to cook. i miss the way he wuld always love me unconditionally. i miss the way he would greet me when he got home. i miss taking showers with him. i miss watching him change. i miss everything about him, but he doesn't miss me. its not fair

October 9

i did it. i went to his new apartment. call me a stalker, but its not hard to find where someone lives nowadays. i walked up the the doorbell and rang it- once, twice, three times until a man opened the door, but that man wasn't zach. i bit my lip to keep from crying when i heard my precious zach yell the man's name. he was in there. zach was inside with this man. i quickly retreated off the porch because i couldn't bear to listen to zach call the man back to bed. 

October 11

nothing. nothing is all i feel. i don't feel the sadness anymore, i don't feel the pain. i feel nothing, which i suppose is worse. i can feel no pain until i bring the razor into my skin. this is the only time that this god forsaken world will give me to be human again. of course, the pain is bad, but at least i can feel it. at least i can feel something.

October 13

this is day 3 without a wink of sleep. i keep watching out the window with the illusion that he's coming back, but of course, that's not happening. 

October 15

sometimes when i close my eyes in bed, i pretend that he's here next to me, lying his head on my chest and im whispering swet nothings into his ear. but then i open my eyes and im greeted with the nothingness that has become my life, and unfortunately, me

October 20

i am nothing without zach but he is everything without me. 

October 21

im scared of myself. i need to be admitted to a hospital, but every time i try to leave the house, his face flashes in my mind. zach wouldn't want me to get better. i deserve to suffer for what i did to him

October 22

he responded to one of my texts today. i texted him 'hi'. he texted back, 'i love you too'. i was elated until i recieved the follow-up message: 'sorry. sent that last one to the wrong person'. some part of me still hangs onto the hope that he meant to send the wonderful text to his parents, but its probably just wishful thinking. and yet, that didn't stop me from reading the text message over and over again, pretending that it was meant for me. 

October 25

and as the alcohol passed my lips, ran down my throat and burned my lungs, he was still all i could think about

October 26

i didnt mean for it to turn out this way, honestly, but it was my last resort. this morning, i camped out in my car across the street from zachs apartment and watched him leave for work. he doesn't look sad at all. he looks happy, smiling and such, which depresses me even further. the worst feeling in the world is seeing the one you love smile and knowing you're not the cause of it. 

October 29

i went to his apartment today with flowers and chocolates. i begged him to forgive me, but he wasn't having it. it seems as if he hates me. which should make it easier to forget him,right? wrong...

October 31 

i miss him. i want him. i love him. i need zach. i need him to survive. why doesn't he need me? why doesn't he love me? why doesn't he want me? why doesn't he miss me? zach please baby. you were my guardian angel. now who is there to protect me from myself?