Rami's Diary

September

September 21

i did it. i cheated on the love of my life, and he found out. i went out looking for him earlier, but i couldn't find him. he'll never forgive me. i just know it. he walked in and i swear to god, ill never forget the look on his face and ill never forgive myself for putting it there. he brought home dinner, like he always does on friday nights. the pizza that he dropped is lying on the ground in the doorway, but, to be honest, i couldn't find the strength in myself to eat it. so i silently picked up one of his shirts and held it close to me, praying that he would be here when i woke up

September 22

he wasnt there when i woke up. and what's even worse, he came and took all of his stuff while i was at lunch. i never even got to see him. im lucky, though, because i didn't have a night terror last night like i thought i would. maybe it's because my worst night terror has come true. i've lost him, and this time, i fear it may be for good.

September 25

each passing second is more and more painful than the one before. i've picked up a job. since zach left, so did the monthly income and i'm slowly falling behind on the payments. i wonder how zach always did it. that's when i slowly started to realize that i'd always been a selfish bastard. i could never support him the way he does to me. he deserves someone better.

September 26

zach would be proud. i ate today. well, a sandwich. i texted him, just to let him know. i would never find the courage, however, to text him again just to say that i threw it up right afterwards. 

September 27

every waking moment is filled with zach and i want to hate him for being on my mind all the time. but then i look at the picture of us that's on my nightstand and i realize that i'll always love this man. i haven't slept since the first night. well, maybe a few hours but no more than that. sometimes the neighbors hear me and they come rushing to the door to check up on me. when i hear the doorbell, i'll frantically rush to the door, only to be greeted with bitter disappointment when i realize it's not him.

September 30

But it's not only my mind that craves for him, my body does as well. sex with zach was mind-blowing. it tore me apart and made me whole at the same time. i went to the bar to see if any of the men there could satisfy the craving i had. a man soon approached me and all was going well. until he kissed me. that's when i threw up on him. i couldn't be with anyone but zach. ever

September 31

Zach, please come back. please...