Rami's Diary

November

November 7

I heard it. i heard his heavenly voice toight. yes, just over the phone, but he still sounds like an angel. i was drunk, yeah, but not drunk enough to not remember. i was pathetic, and he told me so. im unbelievably selfish so i begged and begged him to come back to me but to no avail. i did, however, find out that his roommate isn't his boyfriend. im the only one for him, he told me so. he then told me that he still loves me and i felt so happy i could've died right there, right then. but that's when he told me we needed more time apart and hung up on me. i was sad at first, then angry, then i was back to being pitifully sad again.and the whole while this conversation was going on,i was standing on top of the apartment building's roof, preparing to jump off. i reached the ledge and chickened out. im too much of a coward to do anything to hurt him. but you already have my subconcious reminds me. 

November 10

he texted me. he told me to let him go. its so pathetic. im pathetic. its terrible, what ive become. im a monster. im too broken to fix. and now im afraid that zach knows it. he'll never come back to me. why would he?

November 12

since i heard his voice a couple days ago, it wont stop ringing in my mind. the way he told me he loved me will forever be in my mind. ill always love him. no one else but him.he is my everything, my world, my light, and i had hoped that i would never have to live a day without him. yet, here i am, not having left my room in 3 days, not having eaten in 5 and not slept in 4. i dont want to be like this anymore.

 November 14

am i strong enough for this? i dont think so. i cant do it anymore. i dont want to live 

November 16

im alive. im breathing but this is certainly not living. 

November 18

everyday, i climb to the top of the building hoping that i have the courage to do it. to finally end my pain. to finally end my suffering. and yet everyday, i climb back down because im still clinging desperately to the hope that he'll come back to me because i love him so fucking much

November 20

its almost my birthday. and i'll be spending it alone, not out with my amazing fiance zach like i should be

November 21

god fucking dammit. someone please tell me how to get him back. someone please fucking tell me. i need him. 

November 22

i quit my job today because i know what im going to do. im gonna give this journal to him and leave. ill leave everything behind,including my heart. i'll leave my heart here with the love of my life. but i have to go

November 25

its time. ive spent hours preparing myself. i showered multiple times, shaved, brushed my teeth many times, dressed up all nice and everything. i brushed my hair and put on his favorite cologne. i'll put the diary, his shirts, and all of our pictures in a box and ill give it to him. its time for me to let him go, even though i really fucking dont want to. even though it really fucking hurts, he should be happy-even if its not with me.

i love you zach, forever and always,

Rami