Rami's Diary

May (pt. 3)

This one will pain me immensely to write...

Zach,
Just in case this is the last time I'll ever communicate with you, I want you to know this.

These past few years (minus the months we were apart) that we've been together have been the best of my life, hands down. When we met, I had no clue I would fall for you so hard.

All I saw when I looked at you was a cocky jerk who was too in love with himself to see anyone else. I now know that I couldn't have been more wrong.

After the first few dates, I started noticing small things. Like the way your hair falls perfectly without you even trying. Like the way you liked to wear just a small bit of lipstick so you would taste good when we kissed, even though your natural taste is good ;)

But after the first few months, I knew I was in trouble.

After month 5 I knew I was in deep. I was so in love with you. The moon and the stars were nothing without you, and this was just after 5 short months. I was so far gone, I would've done anything for you. So imagine how amazing it felt when you told me you loved me too. I was so happy I remember I fucking cried.

After 7 months, I knew you were the one for me. You're so amazing and humble that I knew you would've wanted something simple. So, one night while you were asleep in my arms, I leaned down and asked you to marry me. Of course, you just kept snoring but I knew right then and right there that I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life. So after a month of planning, I finally worked up the courage to ask you. I did it.

And you fucking said yes.

The 5 months of engagement, planning, were amazing, but I honestly just could not wait to get down the fucking isle and be able to call you mine forever. Which is why I have no clue why, after our 1 year, 2 month anniversary, I cheated on you. I'm sure you've already read the sad parts in the previous parts of this journal, but I'm so fucking sorry for what I did. I guess that's the only reason I can think of as to why I deserve to die now if I do. Because I let you down that one fucking time. And I know that I'll never fully gain your trust back.

Even months after we've gotten back together, I can still see the worry in your eyes when I text someone in bed. And for that, I'll always be so fucking sorry.

I'll never do it again, I sure as hell know that. Especially if I die, I suppose. But even if I don't, I could never spend another day knowing that you hated me.

Those months may have been hard on you, but I was dead inside.

I wanted to die.

But enough of this sad stuff, right? Lets get to the good part ;)

(Please don't read this mom and dad xx)

I've memorized every single part about you, especially your body.

It's so fucking lovely.

If I survive this, I have some things I want to do. I would like to photograph you in the bedroom. Some pornographic, some not. You're just so fucking beautiful.

When you bottom for me, when you become completely submissive to my every demand, you write beneath me. Your curves bend beautifully with every thrust that I give. Moans that are music to my ears, slipping past your beautiful, plump lips as I pound your body imprint into our mattress.

When you top, and you become like an animal almost, you're beautiful as well. You growl in my ear, whispering filthy things, as you fuck my brains out. You grab fistfuls of my ass, leaving your handprints and love bites on me for the world to see the next week to come.

My favorite time was on our 1 year anniversary. We went to a hotel and you ravished me with foreplay until you finally fucked me brutally against the hotel window. I had a beautiful view of the city and an even more beautiful view of my amazing fiancé. God, I love you so much.

You're my everything, the reason why I wake up with a smile-the only reason I wake up at all. You're the reason I'm able to make it through my day, because I know you'll be there to welcome me when I get home. You're the reason why I go to sleep with a huge fucking smile on my face, just knowing that you're mine and I'm yours, and that's just perfect. Before I met you, I never knew what it was like to be able to look at someone and smile because you're just that in love with them. I do now. You're an addiction that even rehab couldn't fix. Every moment I'm with you is intoxicating. And I wouldn't change I second of it.

Now, I consider myself an optimist, but angel, I need you to promise me something.

(When you read that, you said, "anything". I know my baby ;))

I need you to move on if I die.

I love you so much. You are my universe and my sunshine and my everything else baby. But if I go, I won't be coming back, so you don't need to wait for me. You'll find someone who you love, just as much as me, maybe more.

(He'll never love you as much as me, but I know he'll sure as hell try)

If I die, you have to move on and live a life without me, start a family and have little Zach babies, like I wanted you to do with me.

I love you princess.

You're my angel, for now and forever, even if I become one.

I'm letting you go (if I die, because if not, you're sure as hell mine and I'm never letting you go), so you'd better do the same (again, if I die, because I'll kill anyone who tries to take my baby from me while I'm still alive and kicking)

'Til death do we part,

Forever and Always,

Rami xx <3