in·san·i·ty | B.E (HIATUS)

7 - Riley

Riley quickly hung up and dialed the next number on her list. She had called several psych wards in the entire state, and she would continue to contact each one until she found the one Billie was recovered at. It was tiring. Riley was tired. Maybe it was her recently diagnosed ADHD that had her so uncomfortably hyperfixtated on this one girl in particular. It could be her natural human instinct to want to come to a close and leave no question unanswered, but whatever it was mattered nothing to towards her luck in actually finding the girl.

Riley was convinced the Universe herself was against her because no matter how many "positive vibes" and late night manifestations nothing was working the way she wanted to. Sure, she got word of Billie's whereabouts on the third consecutive day since manifesting- but it was probably a coincidence, and that wasn't exactly good news. She believed in magic but just had no time for it.

Tonight she ordered Chinese takeout and ate at her kitchen table alone, same as every other night. Her family dynamic was not the way it used to be ever since the old house burned down. Her mother was ready to forgive and reconnect with her daughter, but Riley's recent habits and obvious depression is leading to self destruction, and her mother cannot stand to watch.

"St. Barnabas, may I ask the nature of your call?"

Swallowing the last bit of a veggie roll, Riley lazily poked around the noodles with her fork and repeated the same line she had for the last three hours. Is Billie there? She would talk them into giving out that information depending on who it was. If it was a older sounding person, claim marriage, and to the younger ones she would suggest being a sibling.

"Yes, I understand your concern. I do see a patient under a name similar to that one that was checked in sometime in September, if you'd like to come into the hospital yourself to confirm I definitely recommend you do so." The woman on the phone spoke in her high pitched customer service voice. Riley felt like she was being baby talked.

"Yeah, alright, thank you." She hung up and shoved another roll into her mouth.

September. If Billie had checked in last month, then her brother was telling the truth and now Riley had to find a way to get over there. For what exactly, she didn't know.

She looked for her car keys and tried to talk some sense into herself. What was she even going there for? To fight? To Hug? Riley had no idea what she was feeling. She didn't know what she wanted or needed. Everything was numb, and she had one goal only: see her.

"Riley, where are you leaving to now?" Her mother grabbed at Riley's bag as she passed, halting her steps. Riley's mom wanted to give her money before she left. Her mother was just kind like that.

Riley once again took at a seat at the green kitchen table. It was green like the one she had grown up sitting at. Her old house in Washington was sold, but they took all the furniture with them here. The green kitchen table, the soft cream colored couch. A dresser hand made by a man her mother used to know, bags of clothing from when Riley was a child. They packed every box with only the most loved, most important things. They took it out of boxes and then put it in the new house and began to love each piece of furniture again.

Every bit of comfort Riley has known was taken from her by that fire. Billie was someone she had been kind to. Bille was someone so beautiful and so unlike anything she had seen before, and she so blindly fell in love with her- it was Riley's biggest regret.

"I'm going to see Billie." She said after a moment of silence between them. "She's in a psych ward in connecticut."

"Connecticut?" Her mom's eyebrows shot up almost comedically "You're planning on travelling across the country just for-"

"I don't understand it either, mom. I wish I could just move on but I feel like if I don't see her again then that part of my life will never be over. I have to look at her and- and-" 

"Do whatever it is you need to do to provide healing for yourself, Riley" Her mom handed her several crisp hundred dollar bills. Rainy day money, straight from the safe she kept underneath her bed "Promise me you'll stay safe."

"I promise." She folded the bills in half, a now permanent crease running down the centre. "I hope this isn't in vain."

"It might be, honey." Her mother gave her a sad smile. "There's no guarantee."

*

Signalling her left turn, she began to pull onto the highway. The beginning of a two day drive across the US just to see someone she had no business seeing. She didn't know if Billie would even want to talk to her. For all Riley knew, Billie could turn her away and she'd have no choice but to accept that the girl she once loved was a two faced, deceitful piece of shit.

Their whole relationship dynamic was fucked. Riley thought it was innocent puppy love, but the older she got the more she realized how much Billie dragged her though the mud. Their "Relationship" was codependency, and Billie would throw bitch fits whenever Riley did anything else. But what did she know? She thought it was normal for your girlfriend to always want to be around you. She thought it was normal to want to do nothing else but spend time with each other.

The line between wanting to be around someone and being codependent was dangerously thin. Riley had to really sit back and ask if she even minded being Billie's borderline therapist. How could she be angry when she used to bask in the feeling of being the only one her girlfriend could trust?

"How do I look?" Riley grinned, spinning in a circle to show off the dress her mother bought her. Emerald green seemed to be Riley's color, she loved the way it would almost glow in comparison to her skin tone. Her mom called it cinnamon, her dad called it coffee. She called it brown, and Billie didn't comment on it at all.

"My head hurts really bad today" Billie sighed, ignoring Riley's question entirely. "I stopped taking my medication. I don't think I need it anymore"

"Well, that's not good." Riley took her eyes off her own reflection for a moment to eye her girlfriend. Whenever Billie would come over she'd always sit in that same spot by her windowsill & stare off into the distance. Some days she wouldn't speak to Riley at all.

"You're not gonna force me to take it, right? I know you wouldn't do that to me." her eyes, once a crystal blue, were now a dull gray. Riley was too young to understand the twisting in her stomach was the beginning of years worth of hatred. She didn't know what manipulation looked like to this capacity. If she had, she would've gotten out of there sooner.

"No. Do you like this dress?" she tried again

"Why do you keep asking? I think you look better in pants. Dresses are too girly."  She shrugged "I'd rather you be..." she waved a hand at her outfit and shrugged again.

"You're not dating a man, Billie. Why do you keep doing this to me? Every time I do anything feminine you get.."

"Stop trying to make everything an argument. You asked me a question and I gave you an answer. Would you rather me lie to you? You look amazing, Riley. Does that make you feel better?"

Riley snapped out of her memory daydream once she started to taste blood in her mouth. She had developed a terrible habit of chewing on the inside of her cheek when lost in thought. How did she not realize?

Turning her signals on, she merged onto the highway. She sent a silent prayer to whatever god was out there to give her wisdom and help her figure out what she was going to say to her. She prayed that this trip would provide healing. As of right now, that was all she wanted.